Greg Dobbs to Do Some Weird Thing to Everybody

The scariest part of this isn’t that Greg Dobbs is doing it; it’s that we have no idea what exactly “attracking” means. Is he attracting them?  Attacking them?  Attracting them with his natural seductive powers, and then attacking them after their amorous advances have drawn them in too close?

But more importantly, why?  Why is Greg Dobbs doing this?

All Joe Frisaro is trying to tell us is that Dobbs is a possibility for several teams and that the Marlins are “in the mix” for signing him.  Which is strange; not that the Marlins would want to re-sign him, but that there are several teams vying for his affection.  Seriously.  There are teams fighting over Greg Dobbs at the moment.

Which again only proves that he has engaged some sort of previously untapped seductive power like the sirens of Greek myth.

Not that I blame him.  Men over 30 can have a rough time finding suitors.  Have you visited the bar scene lately?  Everybody’s an undercover Occupy protester or choked with disease or just trying to get to the exit but can’t because the place is so full of undercover Occupy protesters.

I can only assume trying to attract an entire baseball team is an even more challenging endeavor.  And yet, somehow, Greg Dobbs–career bat of the bench, sometimes without the bat–has all the fellas knocking at his door.  If that isn’t evidence of some twisted sorcery, than I need to re-consult the D&D manual that I totally do not own.

But who will stop him?  There is no equivalent of this on the side of good somewhere in baseball.  And he is just under the radar enough to get away with it without anybody caring or even noticing, really.  Plus, if the chief pursuer of his talents is Miami, than almost no one will ever know.  

I suppose to key here is to remain calm and not jump to any unnecessary/irrational conclusions.  Of course Greg Dobbs isn’t an evil seductive wizard.  He’s just a skilled player who can play third base sometimes that seems to have drawn the interest of several clubs in a starved market.

Oh god.  Even I have been stricken with black magic now.  I can feel it, coursing through my veins, toxifying my innards.

RUN

SAVE YOURSELVES

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