NL East Infection: No Dancin’
By Justin Klugh
You might say the first casualty of the Marlins’ re-branding was their logo. Which is now all over everything. So you might say the first casualty was absolutely everything.
But the second casualty is the Manatees, an assembly of gentlemen who dance around in funny costumes on the field. The Fish cut ties with them, as they were deemed no professional enough for the setting the team is trying to create. Then they did the same thing with the Mermaids, who are far different, kind of the exact opposite, and … are just great.
However, the Marlins are about to introduce their Big Three–Jose Reyes, Heath Bell, and Aaron Rowand. If the unveiling of three important players in Miami has a standard, then the Marlins are most assuredly preparing the event with elevators, smoke machines, and the promise of seven championships that they just expect to be handed to them. Which is to say, they would use the very model of theatricality that they just fired without mercy.
Atlanta Braves
Contrary to what you’ve assumed, the Baltimore Orioles are still a baseball team. And only now are their players drawing interests from other teams. Contenders are slowly realizing that hey–there’s an untapped gold mine in Baltimore, and why wouldn’t they be willing to part with anybody for anything?
Right now the hot name is Adam Jones, who not only Atlanta, but Washington has been asking about as well. But nobody likes his OBP. Darn. Not sure if the Orioles are ready to dismantle just yet, but if they did, Adam is one guy that deserves a chance somewhere he could be a household name. In small households. Who don’t know about OBP.
Hey, John Rocker used to use steroids! And he thinks Newt Gingrich is pretty neat! Somehow, I don’t think there are youngsters across the south ripping his poster off the walls. More likely, they’re asking their parents who he is and the response they get is just a quick shrug and a change of the channel.
New York Mets
"“[Terry] Collins recently signed a contract extension, and during a visit to Midland last month, said he remains optimistic about the upcoming season.”—Paul Neumeyer"
Some people probably laugh at Terry Collins’ optimism. And not in a supportive, “Good ‘ol Terry,” sort of way; in a “Fuck you I’m drunk” sort of way. Because every Mets fan should be drunk–the Mets are screwed. Just… totally and relentlessly gutted. What’s left? The family of mice that spends their winters in David Wright’s giant helmet? Sure, they’re adorable, but don’t touch them. They probably have the Plague. This is Citi Field we’re talking about.
But anyways, yeah. People are laughing at Terry Collins for remaining positive. Well, Terry’s ship came in the other day when one of the New York Mets reached the peak of offseason glory: The Thurman Munson Award.
All you doubters have been put in your place not just by Terry, but by R.A. Dickey, who won the award for “on-field excellence and community service.” Also it can only go to players in the New York area. Two of the three other recipients are Yankees (Mark Teixeira and Yogi Berra).
So come join the Mets, as they “celebrate” their 50th anniversary by winning awards during the time of year when no baseball-playing is required to win them.
Washington Nationals
But offseason baseball can’t be all re-branding and Thurman Munson Awards. Some teams are actually trying to do work around here; inquiring about Mark Buerhle, then watching him sign with the Marlins; inquiring about C.J. Wilson, then watching him sign with the Marlins; inquiring about Prince Fielder, then deciding Adam LaRoche is a better option; inquiring about Yoenis Cespedes and Yu Darvish and B.J. Upton and yet still not really doing anything.
Yes sir, some people have a full schedule of shit to take care of, so please keep it down while you’re out there winning your humanitarian awards and getting players to put their names on pieces of paper. How you been doin’ that anyway. Looks hard.
But please, we’re trying to get some rest. We’ve got a whole list inquiries to make tomorrow.