Cole Hamels Being Shopped Around in Theory, Reports No One and Everyone

Buster Olney threatened to trade Cole Hamels (Insider required) the other day, and boy, the internet did not like the sound of it.  He ran with the notion that the Phillies and Cole hadn’t been talking about his contract.

Well, la-dee-da; somebody’s parents spoke to them every day and without snorts of disappointment.  Maybe if your childhood had been a tad less ideal, Buster, you’d be of use in a situation like this.  Just because the Phillies and Cole aren’t talking doesn’t mean something bad is happening.  They still love each other, they’re just taking the last ten years before you go to college to work up the nerve to say it.

Geeze.

Fortunately, no one allowed this small, disturbing blip to ruin their day.

Actually, the concept of trading Cole Hamels was only a sliver of the column. There were a bunch of other things written, but they obviously weren’t panic-inducing enough to pay attention to. Buster just impregnated his post with hurtful lies that may have ruined some people’s days, but in doing so, accidentally impregnated half the internet with the rumor that Cole Hamels was already at the airport.

Add that to the idea of Ruben Amaro being crazy (“Remember Cliff Lee?!”) and you’ve got a straight up cyberfire to put out with your face. Or if you don’t think Buster Olney slamming his own head into the monitor would help, I guess using Twitter would also be fine. Twitter is, after all, the face of the internet.

Yeah, because its ridiculous to think Ruben Amaro would be seeking large chunks of the earth to add to a secret… empire… place.  Nobody suspects that.  Which is probably just what he wants.  Its probably why we don’t know about the land he’s already traded for.Think about it.  Does anybody really know what happened to Scott Eyre?

Is Ruben Amaro trading players for land?  Probably.  Will one of those players be Cole Hamels?  Look, Cole could never leave Philadelphia.  Even if he wanted to.  Because we would stop him.

With love.

Nothing sinister.  Like I seem to be implying.