When Ruben Amaro fires up the Offseason War Machine, it becomes impossible to turn off, like a nuclear missile that for some reason has no failsafe. Thundering to life, it tears across the winter horizon, dragging whichever free agents it desires back to Philadelphia to await the coming spring.
It has already reclaimed Jim Thome. Now, it seeks out Michael Cuddyer, whom you probably remember from 190 different blog posts last July listing him as a potential target for the Phillies midseason pick up.
Those of you who assumed Jim Thome was the plan for replacing injured Ryan Howard for the first month may have reacted a little strongly. Cuddyer can play the position, and he can move around while he’s doing it! And he play in right field while Dom Brown works some shit out. And he’s been known to hit the ball occasionally.
If you’re already getting excited, that’s because this is the first round of potential signings and everybody is excited to get better. If you’re weirdly terrified and you don’t understand why, that’s just from the increasingly horrific growls of the War Machine approaching.
The best part is, Michael Cuddyer isn’t a self-centered piece of shit! He’s apparently a great guy who just wants to appear in a bunch of Facebook pictures with his teammates. And the album is called “Me and the Boys, ’12.” And there’s one in there of them making funny faces. People don’t just do that.
Sadly, this is why other teams seem to think they have a chance at signing him. He won’t spit in anyone’s face if they come to him with an offer, which sort of negates Ruben Amaro’s natural intimidation that prevents most face-spittings. Now, he must be wooed using charm, and probably money, and because he hasn’t stated outright that Philadelphia is where his heart has always been, its going to take a bit of work. The guy’s never even played anywhere outside of Minnesota.
But clearly, Ruben isn’t about beating around the bush this offseason. Unless that bush has a valuable free agent hiding in it. Because meeting the War Machine face-to-face is a truly terrifying experience.