Reading Phillies Have Been Abandoned by Their Single Parent

For those of you playing (and weeping) at home, the “Phillies’ organization coach-abandonment” count is up to a potential three:

• Ryne Sandberg to the Cubs (manager)
• Pete Mackanin to the Red Sox (manager)
• Mark Parent to the White Sox (bench coach)

Unlike the other two, Mark Parent is already gone.  And not only that, but the White Sox have reached out to Phillies legend Jim Thome to join our former Double-A affiliate manager on Robin Ventura’s staff.  It is like being slapped in the face, and then instead of apologizing, the person who slapped you seduces and marries your father.

“No,” you’re saying.  “Its not like that.  Why would it be like that.”

And that’s all well and good that you’re emotionally impenetrable, but some of us have a harder time being constantly abandoned.  And sure, the R-Phils may have exited the Eastern League playoffs about as abruptly as they entered them, but they still got there, and we can thank Mark Parent for that.  In the ever-shifting world of minor league baseball, the manager is often one of the dependable mainstays of the team.  With him gone, the headlines of Reading newspapers are plunged into chaos, their question marks stinging the eyes of the senior citizens who actually read them.

Look at that headline.  It reads like a young child, staring wide-eyed up at a police officer, so innocently traumatized that it can barely put together a sentence.  And the police officer, confirming that the child is now an orphan, can do nothing but demand answers from a god who isn’t there and drop the kid off at the nearest halfway house.

Its not all bad news, though.  Imagine if that child I was just talking about didn’t have to move to an orphanage because their young uncle just moved to town.  In the wake of this sadness, the R-Phils have hired a new merchandising manager, who just got finished being an intern for them last year.

So please, don’t sit here pretending not to cry.  Head on over to the First Energy Stadium to fill that void left by Mark Parent with sweet, sweet R-Phils merch.

Mmm-mmm.  There now.  Isn’t that the same as a person being there?