Theo Epstein Rises as Culprit of Latest Phillies Coachnapping

Once again, as the cowards flee Boston, their bumbling steps are dragging lengths of debris behind them.  And Theo Epstein’s may wind up including Lehigh Valley Ironpigs manager Ryne Sandberg.

The Chicago Sun-Times has recently implicated Sandberg in a heartfelt reunion with his old team after a single painful year of being apart.  Sandberg, however, has been perfectly happy in his new home within our farm system, where we heaped upon him lavish gifts and capable players and Domonic Brown in exchange for International League playoff berth.  And when that ended in a series of fart noises, we invited him up to the big club to hang out for the playoffs.  Were we grooming him for a possible opening in the future, offering encouragement in every subtle knowing smile and friendly handshake?  Who knows.

The Cubs, and Theo Epstein, seem to be of the notion that if they want Ryne, they can just take him. This may be indicative of them watching us let Mark Parent walk out of Reading without so much as a nostalgic wave from the train platform.  Then of course, Pete Mackanin was scouted right in front of us by the Red Sox because Terry Francona was the first one to reach the emergency exit.

Through a tangled web of interviews and run-ins and cocktail parties, Theo and Ryne already know each other.  I have a hard time picturing scrawny Theo pecking away on his Blackberry at the same event that Ryne Sandberg is trying to give a speech on being spectacular.  But whatever, I know less about the business side of baseball than I do the side that I write about every day, which it turns out is pretty little.

Its time to circle the wagons.  We can’t keep letting our coaches get poached by other cities, even if they’re not irreplaceable.  The Phillies should be concentrating on sending messages; not inwardly, toward the sources of our real problems, but outward, to everyone else.  Nothing says “We’re totally fine, stop asking” like a series of increasingly threatening handwritten notes.

Once more, we may watch Sandberg get swallowed up by Chicago after a time in Philadelphia that was all too brief.

My god.  We’re actually letting history repeat itself.  When has that ever gone wrong.