Phillies fans, it’s often said, are dangerous enough when they aren’t moving slowly on a large, electrified metal structure. The idea to hold the 2011 Playoffs Pep Rally on a trolley hasn’t been proven a bad idea, but that may be because it happened yet.
To be fair, and accurate, no fans will actually be on the trolley. And it isn’t going to be electrified, unless there’s some kind of horrible disaster. It’ll just be your normal, everyday battery-operated public transport vehicle driven by a freakish green monster and Gary Matthews. As I just insinuated, those aboard will be the Phanatic, some broadcasters, and the Ballgirls, who I think we can assume will be tossing projectiles of some charming nature.
Starting at 11:45 am, when they will begin their journey in South Philly, and take the party train to City Hall, Rittenhouse Square, LOVE Park, and a bunch of other famous overcrowded Philadelphia spots where, again, no one will probably be run over by it. But maybe they should be if they call it “the party train.”
Besides, its not like they’re going to let any of us on the train. And why would we want to be on that thing anyway? Like we’re gonna be all “fanned up” or “overstimulated” and run alongside the trolley causally reaching out a hand to Tom McCarthy as he abuses the privilege of holding a microphone and shouting inspirational, sugarcoated phrases. Ha ha ha, are we just waving our hand in excitement, or reaching out to be pulled aboard? Who knows.
Throw in the Phanatic, and I can guarantee you that this is something no Phillies fan wants to be a part of. Sure, we’re naturally drawn to his wild antics and hilarious pelvic thrusts that somehow aren’t suggestive enough to be a problem when he does them at a child. But put those stuff on a moving vehicle, and it doesn’t at all become even more enticing with the playoffs starting that same day, several hours from the event in question.
OUT OF MY WAY I MUST BE FIRST ON THE PARTY TRAIN