Grown male elephants spend 20 hours a day eating and can consume up to five tons of food a day. They can also poop 80 pounds. Of poop.
But 80 pounds of elephant poop is not what was donated to Philabundance by Phillies fans–us–in July at Citizens Bank Park. Thankfully, we went with the five tons of food, which will go onto feed 190,000 families. Though by the way the Phillies have been playing lately, the poop may have been more appropriate.
Representatives from donating companies strutted onto the field prior to Wednesday’s piece of crap and each of them go to throw out a ceremonial first pitch. Sadly, none of them were former players or movie stars so it was most likely one of those ceremonies that occurs with less than half the people in the seats and even they aren’t really watching.
Nonetheless, they pushed forward, and 10 reps each… repped… 100,000 of the families fed by the food drive. No word on who got stuck with the 90,000, but we can rest assured that they were probably furious and the emotional compromise likely affected the quality of their pitch.
Once again, the Phillies plowed unprovoked into a situation that would end in relentless charity. I don’t know what it is about professional baseball that makes people want to spread their wealth, time, and talent around, but they seem to be lousy with it. Unlike some other people.
It is refreshing to see, and uplifting to read about, and kind of hard to make jokes about, unless you channel in a sideways segue about elephant poop at the beginning.