Phillies Brass Sits in Dark Room; Plots Future of Dom Brown

Where will he go?  What will he do?  How high will he hold his hands when he does it?  Will they be as high as our hopes for him?

The Phillies will send him off to Instructional League, which, and I’m going by the word “instruction” in the name, is kind of a rebooting of a person, without the coma.  Dom will pack his bags and be carried off to some mystical place where players learn how to be players without disappointing anyone ever again.

The “mystical place” in question is Clearwater, Florida (Surprise!) where he will fight for his right to play left field and maybe receive a few meaningful stories about life from a mysterious old stranger rehabbing in the weight room.

"Brown spent extra time early Monday afternoon in left field with third-base coach and outfield instructor Juan Samuel. He then sat and spoke with Ruben Amaro Jr. in Section 114 as the rest of the team prepared to stretch.—Matt Gelb"

We’ll never know what the conversation entailed, but you can rest assured that someone was told something that wasn’t a threat, but may have been delivered like one.

“He understands how important he is to our organization,” Ruben Amaro has said, hopefully not an indication of having to beat any amount of sense into our once highly touted prospect who just needs a little time to find himself.

So no Winter Ball for Dom, whom we will catch our next glimpse of 2012, when the Year of Dom Brown is scheduled to begin.  This will all seem very, very funny to us as he clocks mammoth dinger after mammoth dinger into the upper deck, mercilessly toying with the NL’s greatest pitchers, and becoming the five-tool powerhouse we always knew he was.

…

Nah, fuck it–sign Raul Ibanez to a three year extension.

Hurry!  Hurry!  Panic!