But Ryan’s foundation, the Ryan Howard Foundation, doesn’t exist to put smiles on people’s faces. It just happens to do so much good that smiles are a fortunate byproduct of its. For instance, ever wonder why Ryan does Subway commercials? You probably thought it was because of the massive royalty checks. And it is, too. Probably.
Yet the Ryan Howard Foundation has been working since 2009 to aid lower income youth, emphasizing the areas of education, nutrition, and physical fitness. So all those times you saw Ryan Howard on TV telling you that eating Subway would stop you from being an amorphous blob, he was doing it out of immense personal opinion. He’s right, too. Maybe put that burlap sack full of cheeseburgers down for a second. People are starting to have a hard time imagining you without it.
Ryan even found one of Philly’s most disturbing neighborhoods and injected $150,000 into it, which cleaned up a baseball field and got a team uniforms. His foundation even donated $90,000 to scholarship funds in Philly and St. Louis, though why he’d even bother with St. Louis is beyond me. What? Because he’s “from that area”? No he’s not. Ryan Howard was created in a government bunker to be the charmingest, most preeminent slugger of our generation.
Anyways, if you vote for him here, then we don’t run the risk of having to hear about what a great guy Tim Hudson is, even though we all know that’s impossible because he plays for the Braves.
I haven’t heard back on what he plans to do about the alley where that possum haunted me for a decent chunk of my early ’20s, but I’m sure its on his radar.