NL East Infection: Hard for Ice Cream of the Future
By Justin Klugh
Washington Nationals
If you wanted a column to read about the Nationals that includes topics like the apocalypse and dislocating your shoulder, The Washington Post‘s Charlie Krauthammer has really come through for you in a big way.
It’s not the floweriest of flowery prose ever written about a baseball team, (“They are a baseball team,” he reports) and it actually gets pretty dark at certain points, but he really bring the Krauthammer down on anyone doubting the enjoyment that can be found at Nationals Park. Like the Nats broadcasters, he is an insufferable homer, all too willing to point things out that prove the Nationals are destined for contention, like a guy who mishears you from the other side of a subway car and walks the length of it to let you know his opinion on a topic, unprovoked.
Finally, he closes by saying he isn’t on the bandwagon deep enough to go to the team’s away games, but he looks forward to doing so in the future, when they’re good. Until then, he’ll be “…hard by the Dippin’ Dots,” which is quite possibly the worst fucking phrase for an old man to close a column with, ever.
New York Mets
With all the deal-switching-arounding that was going on, it can’t be a surprise that David Einhorn, the young man with the billions of dollars tasked with saving the Mets forever is throwing his hands up and slowly walking away. As that link explains it, he claims the Wilpons were making a bunch of sneaky addendums to their deal, when in reality, he may have been the one doing so.
It doesn’t really matter. With the fortunes the Mets have had in recent years, even if the deal had gone through, a snake would have crawled up through his toilet and dragged him into the septic tank. All they would have found was a Mets hat floating in the toilet bowl, the only thing the serpent found indigestible.
So really, congratulations are in order for Mr. Einhorn. Somewhere out there, a lost, giant snake is starving to death.
Atlanta Braves
The Braves signed their John Bowker the other day in Jack Wilson, a spiffy defensive shortstop with an invisible bat. He will be a late game replacement option on their bench, that is, when he gets off the DL with a bruised heel. So watch out, late inning relievers of potential playoff teams. Here comes Atlanta Brave Jack Wilson, the second ex-pirate to be collected by Frank Wren this week.
But these heel injuries are nothing to take lightly. For instance, did you know that Wes Helms’ career may have just ended due to one? Also due to his very, very poor playing ability. Anyways, the point is, baseball in general got a little better with Wes Helms no longer being a part of it.
Florida Marlins
Well. We finally got there. The last days of the Florida Marlins will be spent toiling in futility.
Some people may criticize the youth. Others probably look more accurately toward the 1-17 stretch in June. Others may blame the weather.
It was probably that June thing though.
Truth is, all the Fish can do is look at each other, shrug, and make that noise I made when the Aaron Rowand trade rumors started up again: confused, frustrated scoffing. A new name, stadium, and manager next season could do the trick. There’s talent in there, somewhere. And a lot of it’s probably asking what might have been, had the rules of baseball stated they could subtract a month from the calendar.
They don’t, though.