NL East Infection: Existence is Fleeting

Atlanta Braves

“HEY!”  said this guy, leaping into the air in slow motion.  “BRAVES FANS EXIST!!”

“All right, all right,” we all replied sheepishly, embarrassed for claiming they don’t so many times.  “We’re sorry.  It’s just that usually when football season starts up you guys are nowhere to be found.”

“Found… found… found…” the word echoed through a suddenly empty Turner Field.

Florida Marlins

Jack McKeon just can’t hold it in anymore:  The Marlins suck.

“You have to start using your brain and figuring out how to get hitters out.  Some of these guys had better wake up.  How bad do you want to be a major league player? This is not a picnic. You’re not on scholarship. Sometimes we treat them that way.”

Jack’s inspirational “Insult-the-team-so-they-bond-together-even-if-its-against-me” speech comes just a few months too late to keep the Fish in contention, so we can rest assured that it came from a place of genuine disgust, rather than a thinly veiled attempt at The Dallas Green Coaching Method.

Well, at least the Marlins won the game that was just prior to Jack’s remarks.  I mean, Mike Stanton had a home run and everything!

“I’m sure he’d sure as hell hit against our staff, because they get behind and lay it in there.”

Yeah, but at least–


There’s always next–

“I’m embarrassed and they should be, too.”

Look I’m not even gonna–

Oh.  I guess we’re all out of disparaging Jack McKeon quotes.  But still.  He seemed pretty miffed.

New York Mets

Jose Reyes will begin rehabbing with the Binghamton Mets just in time for the big club’s playoff push, winning two of their last 11.  You can tell the Mets are ready to take things seriously when they’re discussing Mike Pelfrey as an option at closer.

Terry Collins thought up the idea, probably while daydreaming as Milwaukee Brewers were circling the bases, and brought it to Pelfrey after the game.  Pelfrey responded with a resounding “absolutely,” and suddenly, this plan was so crazy it just might be stopped entirely by Sandy Alderson.

Before Collins and Pelfrey could even get jazzed about the notion, Alderson pulled the e-brake and told everyone to sit down.  It is clear who will be making decisions on peoples’ roles in the Mets organization, and weirdly enough, it’s the GM.  Apparently those roles have to be filled by players who aren’t so quick to smile and nod at opposing teams.

Meanwhile, Gary Matthews tried to instigate a riot by telling a New York Daily News reporter that he thinks the Mets are crybabies.

“I don’t give a shit.”

–Terry Collins.

Yeah, nobody… nobody really does, Terry.

Washington Nationals

Blah, blah, here comes Stephen Strasburg.

Obviously, the important issue here is Jayson Werth’s groin.  When is it not?  When are we not constantly distracted by the health and welfare of Jayson Werth’s groin?  If anything, its been overexposed to us.  You know what?  I’m sick of Jayson Werth’s groin.  There.  I’ve said it.

But whether we want it to be thrust at us repeatedly or not, Jayson Werth’s groin is the news.  Apparently Jayson has taken the most opportune moment of the season–late August, with a below .500 team in a division that’s sure to be wrapped up by someone else–to get hotter at the plate.  Realizing how effective he was becoming, Jayson naturally developed a groin issue, and was taken out of a game in the ninth inning after chasing down a pesky little Ian Kennedy single.

Meanwhile, the Nationals love Davey Johnson so much that yes; they do plan to marry him, taking that childish insult right off the table.

Tags: Braves Division Marlins Mets Nationals NL East

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