It was a hell of a story, kid. Another goateed wonderboy churned out of SoCal who wowed the scouts and shit the pants of beat writers from here to edge of the known universe. Snatched up by a franchise most renown for being a different one, he quickly became the centerpiece around which a future was carefully being served. Fans clenched their Hagerstown Suns programs with delight as he scorched his way past minor league hitters until finally making his debut to the tune of 14 K’d Pirates. Then came the Tommy John and the small joy Nats fans could get out of 2011 was squelched.
Until–gasp!–Washington announced that it’s Little Man was growing up; unlike the other, angrier one; and he’d be primed to make a start in September. For now, it was back to Hagerstown to work out the kinks that can linger after having your arm taken apart and put back together.
Anyways. ’Sall over.
UPDATE: Apparently its not. Apparently he’s going to Potomac next. Apparently he’s fine.
SECOND UPDATE: Well, that’s it for Bryce Harper.
Sheer bedlam in South Florida as Logan Morrison was kicked out of town to linger in exile in New Orleans, where outward, social people never fit in. Because I scrambled too awkwardly for the keyboard and tripped over an ottoman, Deadspin beat me to the conspiratorial punch. Obviously Logan Morrison’s demotion was due to ulterior motives by Marlins brass, who have a history of protecting Hanley Ramirez from all negativity and generally just being conniving douche bags.
But with the Helms release being an afterthought of the news cycle, one would have to assume the two actions were related, especially when you read the all-too-convenient subtext connecting Helms to Morrison and any suspected motives the Marlins had for the move.
Meanwhile, Morrison will have to do all of his comical tweeting from the Bayou as the Fish pretend to care for the remainder of another third-place-or-bust season.
The real question is, what are the Marlins going to do without Wes Helms?
The other question is, what are the Braves going to do with Wes Helms?
Naturally, the speedless corner infielder with the OPS so consistently low that nobody even bothers to look it up anymore was picked up almost immediately by a division rival.
“They let Helms go?!” Frank Wren screeched with delight. ”Fucking Helms?!”
The emotional outburst was made all the stranger by the fact that it occurred during a live press conference about how proud everybody is of Dan Uggla.
With Uggla’s streak falling short of staining the record books, there’s not a ton of things to discuss involving the Braves, unless you’re the fall guy for a counterfeit hat company. Billion International Trading, Inc. out of South El Monte, California was recently busted for trying to import a shipment of fake Braves hats, probably by a bunch of tough guys in torn jeans carrying AK-47s, probably on a shady dock, late at night. And they were probably busted by a couple of mismatched detectives who seem to find trouble wherever they go.
The Braves remain 8.5 games out of the NL East division race, despite all of them wearing real hats.
New York Mets
And here’s a Mets blog called Those Mets, featuring a message that it has shut down because the Mets are too terrible to talk about.