Signing Thome Could Cause Citizens Bank Park to Collapse Under Weight of Love

In the fantasy world where the Phillies pick up Jim Thome, here’s your Daily News cover:  Cliff Lee, Placido Polanco, and Jim Thome at City Hall, arms around each other.  Headline:  “Couldn’t Stay Away.”  Also, if he’s willing, we could get Jayson Werth to stand in the background in an untucked Nationals uniform, sulking.  Maybe so far out of focus that he is unrecognizable; his depressed slouch being the only identifiable feature.

And maybe also have Screech the Eagle standing a few feet away from his, extending a sullen wing to the right fielder as if he has inevitably captured him after an escape attempt, and ushering him back into the life he unfortunately chose.  Meanwhile, Hunter Pence and Shane Victorino have scaled the side of City Hall and are laughing hysterically as they smack William Penn on the ass.

I should really learn how to use Photo Shop.

In the style of the amorous 2010 Mike Sweeney pick up, rumors are churning about a possible–if unlikely–interest in Jim Thome from the Phillies end.  Fans may remember Thome as the only shirsey people bought from 2003-05.  With his history, he wouldn’t even have to lovingly embrace every member of the team after a home run to be instantly beloved.

There would be almost a surreal quality to it, with the joy coming mostly from sentimentality rather than raw talent.  Thome is a big bat off the bench, and not a whole lot more, but his status in this town would create such a sense of nostalgia in that the fan favorite we got rid of to make room for Ryan Howard is back to reap the benefits he’s deserved.

There’s nothing that Philadelphians love more than watching bad and/or older players do incredible things.  I assume that’s why Raul Ibanez is not only still around, but starting in left field every day.