Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran have returned to the New York Mets lineup, meaning the team is once again whole. A jubilant front office celebrated the return by planning to shatter the team into a million pieces before the trade deadline.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! The Mets won’t be trading everybody. Ben Johnson said it in Angels in the Outfield, “I can’t trade 25 players, George.” And the Mets aren’t even dealing with an irate Danny Glover painting their faces with spittle.
Why, there are some beloved names on this roster that they’ll need to compete in the coming years! There’s budding musician Jose Reyes! Disabled power hitter Ike Davis! Fearlessly incompetent Jason Bay! And all the rest.
All right, fuck it. Just give all the tickets away.
Everything about this video makes it appropriate for MonsterQuest–the blurred focus, the monstrous figure, the signature walk, the ferocious, animalistic fury unleashed on an inanimate object.
“That’s some strong Coffey right there,” quips one of the announcers.
“…you just don’t want to hurt any of your teammates,” the other replies, letting his fear of the rage within Todd Coffey’s sauteed steak of a soul breach the surface.
In other Nationals news, there is no Nationals news. Apparently Bryce Harper’s cleats are on too tight at the Double A level, but we’ll hear overreactions to each and everything he does or doesn’t do within the next year, so let’s not get that big, stupid process started early.
I mean I’d mention Strasburg possibly coming back this year but apparently it could be just totally made up. Apparently that happens on the internet. Apparently a lot.
This week’s Picks of the Pen highlighted the quick nap Edward Mujica took in the Marlins bullpen, because PotP is so quirky and irreverent and haw haw haw aren’t we something special. Well, it turns out that Edward had a perfectly good reason for losing consciousness: He always does it.
“Mujica said napping during the early innings is one of his rituals. He said that when he was with the Padres, he napped from the first inning through the third in a room next to the bullpen.”
I don’t understand why this was even made a big deal by anyone. Who doesn’t habitually pass out at work in the middle of the day? I can’t even count the number of times my boss has sent me confused emails in response to messages I inadvertently sent him by taking a face-down nap on the keyboard. I bet Mujica’s wasn’t even induced by huffing a secret tank of gasoline in his desk.
But that’s not the real story! This is the real story! Jack McKeon’s old man-ness is tearing the Marlins in half like a left-leaning newspaper that accidentally landed on his doorstep! He’s taking pitchers out in the middle of at-bats! He’s leaving relievers out there to get pulverized! He’s quick to take out his starter based on “a feeling!” And do you know why? Because Jack McKeon is a winner.
“I’m trying to emphasize how to win. Leave your egos at the door. That’s No. 1.”
Now. Let’s trade all of our young people for Leo Nunez.
“Areas of need include a righthanded bat and some extra arms…”
Yeah. Welcome to being a Major League Baseball team at the trade deadline.