Series 5-Pack: Red on Red

By now, you’ve heard:  The Phillies are terrible.

Which is what will make it so weird when all the media outlets are calling this series a “World Series Preview!!” So either a terrible team has the best record in baseball or the Phillies media has turned into a nursery for the whiniest, pants-shitting babies.  And that’s obviously not the case.  So let’s listen to Derek Stykalo from BoSox Injection as he tells us exactly all the ways the Red Sox will brutalize the Phillies this week, because they are–remember–a bad baseball team.

1.  How much like the World Series do you view this series?  I feel like Philadelphia will throw a normal-sized class three riot in celebration of the victory instead of a city-sized class 10 codename: CHAOS riot that follows a World Series win.

This series has been hyped up amongst Red Sox fans because so many critics picked this as a World Series.  It also allows us as Red Sox fans to get a good measure as to how good our team is, or how good we need to be in order to be seriously thinking Fall Classic.  As I mentioned before, the offense has been struggling to produce with runners in scoring position, and it appears that the lack of production is almost overshadowing the series in itself.

Throw Doc Halladay and Cole Hamels in the Philly rotation against Josh Beckett and Jon Lester and ba-wango, you have your media craze for three days.

2.  How much of an advantage do you see the Red Sox having in this series with their solid offense and the knowledge that the Phillies turn into shocking bullshit during Interleague play?

If you had asked me this question two weeks ago and based on the Phillies poor Interleague play, I’d say the Red Sox would have a chance at a sweep of the series. But something has happened with the Red Sox offense and it’s all but dried up in the past week.  Losing 2 of 3 to Pittsburgh and only scoring 9 runs in 3 games isn’t what Red Sox fans have been used to lately.  With the potential to face the best 3 starters in the game, the Boston bats better awaken, or it could be a sweep the other way.

3.  What breed of doppelganger has killed and replaced John Lackey?

If I knew I would tell you.  Lackey struggled last year, despite putting up 14 wins.  This year, he’s had two good starts then completely falls off and Sox fans are left wondering if the guys has a heartbeat, let alone a fastball.  It’s been stated that his wife is battling cancer so perhaps the media is being too hard on him.

It seems obvious that he distracted because he has been horrible this year and not worth a minor league deal, let alone the massive one he signed almost two years ago.  If his mind is not where it needs to be then he needs to take some personal time and spend it with his family.

4.  How does it feel knowing that in a given season, the AL All-Star Team roster will be half Red Sox?

If the players deserve to make it to the All-Star game based on their performances then I expect the fans to vote them to the starters.  This year, it’s currently made up of mainly New York Yankees which I don’t agree with. Alex Rodriguez is not worth the starting third base role at the All-Star game.  As far as the Red Sox are concerned, I do believe that Adrian Gonzalez and Jacoby Ellsbury are deserving of the starting roles.

5.  I’ve gotta say, I’ve relished in the big ugly downfall of J.D. Drew as much the next childishly vengeful psychopath.  What is his stance amongst Red Sox Nation?

J.D. Drew’s time in Boston is about to expire thanks to this being the last year on his contract, and thank god for that.  Every year Drew gets worse and worse at the plate and it won’t be long before some small injury that’s been nagging him for the past 3 years will surface and force him to miss a significant amount of time.

Drew has talked retirement after this year and as far as Red Sox Nation is concerned, we may throw a parade for him being finished in Boston.  It can’t happen soon enough. He’s taking up $14 million in payroll that will be freed up and help re-sign some pivotal pieces; players that actually produce.

Hey J.D., see ya.