After this week’s events, in which the Phanatic was brained by a foul ball and rushed to the hospital, many assumed he would be assigned a cushy desk job to live out the remainder of his career in safety; silently resenting the mascots that still got to walk a beat and taking his frustrations home with him every night until his wife wordlessly packs up and leaves.
That’s not the kind of life he wants to lead, it seems, as he seems to be headed for a whole bunch of public appearances, including one on July 2 in Lititz.
Phanatic doesn’t have a wife, does he. Just his mom. And a wardrobe stuffed with Lady Gaga outfits and the corpses of “Philadelphia Phil” and “Philadelphia Phyllis.”
Lititz, the town where your pretzels come from, will play host to Phanatic, the Lancaster Barnstormers’ mascot Cylo (Who is named after the thing in which Harrison Ford smothers a corrupt cop to death in Witness), various personified Hershey candies, and other things.
But the real issue is, are we bringing Phanatic off the DL a bit early? Are we that starved for his antics that we can’t grant him enough time to fully heal? We all like having him in the lineup, sure; but there’s no reason to risk a career-ending injury just to whore him out to neighboring towns. Cylo will be there! Everybody loves Cylo!
I’m the last guy you’ll hear complaining about the Phanatic dancing, but I don’t want to have to imagine a world without him. It’d be like the tiny town from Footloose, only everybody is wearing ridiculous costumes so it’s way better than that.