In case you woke up this morning ina col sweat, screamed manically for two straight minutes, and pissed blood in the sink because you were blinded by sheer terror, the Phillies are still the most beloved baseball team in Pennsylvania. We know this because the Allentown Morning Call is fucking on the case.
When not publishing thoroughly-researched columns of sportswriting poetry, the Allentown Morning Call conducts its share of reader polls. The most recent, “Which Baseball Team Do People in Pennsylvania Like the Most?!?!?!” [EDITOR'S NOTE: Punctuation added], revealed a startling statistic: PA prefers the Phillies over the Pirates.
Pirates fans shouldn’t be pissed about this–no more than they already are, anyway–because as sure as I am that there are loyal Bucs fans just waiting for that moment to burn their city down in celebration, I am just as certain that there are Phillies “fans” out there who would shrug at the name “Dave Hollins” or blurt “Pat Burrell’s butt cheeks!” when asked who the greatest Phillies outfielder of all time was.
Does the Morning Call bring this point into contention? Of course they do.
“Some local fans’ allegiance to the Phillies have grown with the team’s recent success.”
Look, just… just say “bandwagoners,” okay? Let’s not pretend to be shocked that a team doing well means strangers show up at the ballpark.
“What is this strange place?” they ask, touching the walls with childlike curiosity that stems from genuine interest and probably a fistful of mushrooms.
“Why, its Citizens Bank Park,” we explain, exhibitng a sense of patience with the newcomers that will undoubtedly evaporate the sixth time they ask if “…this game is still going on?” or when we realize they ate all the fucking mushrooms.
“Emerson Wright, 25, of Souderton, who was helping his mom clean out her classroom at Allen High School in Allentown, said he’s always rooted for the Phillies, but became a “true” fan when the team began winning.”
Oh my god, you’re gonna single a guy out like that?
“Here’s a young man we found in a high school, who claims his loyalty can be bought by anyone who achieves the highest of success. Like a prostitute, but doing it without a monetary exchange.”
Geeze. Gone are the days when the bandwagoners were a colorless truckload of blank-faced “fans,” cheering because the guy next to them started to. They have names and faces and parents and eww god, it all just seems so much more despicable knowing that people are doing it. Come on man.
Do the Phillies even want to be popular if it comes by way of those who turn the TV on or off with every lead change? Who don’t think the baseball in Philadelphia existed before 2007?
Anyways. The Phils are more popular than the Pirates, in case you were wondering. Now we just need an unflattering picture of Jimmy Rollins tripping over second base to solidifty that information.