Hey, look at you.
You’re a 16-and-older male, out on the town. What are you, headed for the mall to scam on some chicks? ? I just hope your plans don’t include getting the free giveaway at a Phillies game. Because you are part of the most scorned demographic to spin a turnstile in Citizens Bank Park.
Fortunately, it was just the Father’s Day celebration at CBP; the game a year that stadium employees hand you something from a box on your way in. Yes, even if you’re not a father. What’s that? You “…think you’re not a father, but who knows?” Oh, right. Because of all those anonymous sexual encounters you’ve had.
Well, over the years, the Phillies have given you a variety of gifts, all of which seem to fall under the category of “hat.” Here are my personal thoughts on those I’ve received.
Hat With Another Hat On It
Other use: Friendship Destroyer
For the man who wants to say, “I enjoy hats, and in case you’ve forgotten since you started looking at me, I still enjoy them.”
Its a 1-2 punch of enthusiasm, like Roy Halladay wearing a Cliff Lee jersey. And sitting on your head.
Look, I can’t lie. When somebody asked me a few years ago if I had an extra Phillies hat for them to borrow, I gave them this one. When they tried to give it back to me, I pretended I didn’t know who they were. To this day, I’ve had to continue the ruse. What I’m saying is, losing this hat was worth losing a close personal friend.
Because it was a hat with a hat on it.
Other use: Being like Sarge
At first, we thought it would protect us from the sun.
“It is an absolute scorcher out here,” we all said, simultaneously putting on our straw hats we received at the gate. ”At least we’ve got these hats.”
It may sound unlikely, or at least unnerving, for 45,000+ people to be speaking as a singular collective, but that’s the sort of comfort that free hats can bring to a group. Allowing the hats to fight off the vicious sun rays that afternoon, we thought the Phillies had combined “free giveaways” and “something useful” for the first time ever.
Slowly, it began, as the fifth inning creeped across the scoreboard. We realized what true nature these hats possessed as one by one, we fell victim to their wicked snares.
The hats known mostly for being on the head of Gary Matthews were beginning to infect us, causing cranial damage far worse than any sunlight. All it took was one prolonged fashion statement in the hat, and crowdmembers were gradually… becoming him.
“How fast was that last pitch?” I asked my friend.
“What he’s GOT to do is work on unJAMMING himself,” he replied, his eyes distant and vacant. I looked around. The hats were in complete control.
Seconds later, tens of thousands of us were grating people’s nerves and offering useless, highly sexual input.
Other use: Woman Repellant
Look, I don’t know if you can tell, but I don’t know a ton about hats.
This one looked sort of like a fishing hat, but also kind of like something you’d see a background member of a rap group wear in the ’90s. I’ve had suspicions for years that the red white and blue fill pattern of the Phillies logo is for some reason cheaper than the normal white, so once again we were faced with a patriotic Phillies logo on a holiday when America was not invented/died for/whatever we celebrate on Flag Day [EDITOR'S NOTE: I'd say "the flag" is a safe bet.]
But I look at it, and I just see a word that the dictionary tells me doesn’t exist: ”weenis.” Wearing this hat makes most people look like a weenis. I was still wearing it when I got off the subway and my girlfriend at the time dumped me on the spot. I took it off, but she said it was too late; she’d always just envision me with it there, like a massive head wound oozing weenisness all over the sidewalk.
You know what would have been good? Pictures of the hats.