Shane Victorino to Fix Stupid Road Trip That Isn’t Going Perfectly

Because we just lost a series to the Nationals, its time to do what is best after a debilitating loss, and that is to ignore it completely.

Hey, look!  Something else!

Aw, look at Shane down there in the minors; running around, doing shit, hitting a home run that we could have used to beat the Nationals.  So far on this road trip on which we were supposed to win nine in a row, we are 3-3, including a tremendous burst of self esteem for John Lannan.

When we haven’t been living up to expectations in 2011–which is strange because we’ve been first place all season–the perfect remedy is to bring back some player who hasn’t been around much and assume that their presence in the lineup will cast a rainbow-colored blanket of good will over everything.

So, things aren’t going as pristinely as predicted–let’s whip out one of our hidden, injured gems and get back to the status quo!  And because this is the Phillies, remember, the status quo is “perfection.”  And that’s exactly what’s going to happen, as Shane is reborn from the minor leagues on Friday.

Management seems to have whittled down who will be kicked to the curb upon his return to John Mayberry and Michael Martinez.

Of course there’s always Domonic Brown, but–

**Door kicked in by Charlie Manuel**

"“…I would never ever send [Brown] a message that we’re going to send him down or that we’re thinking about sending him down.”–Charlie Manuel"

Okay, I know! I was just… okay.  Everybody… just relax. Dom’s going nowhere.  Understood.

…

That door is ruined.

John Mayberry has had some…

**Checks to make sure furious Charlie Manuel is gone**

John Mayberry has had some value in the past few weeks, coming through in clutch spots and gliding gracefully around center field like a bed sheet caught in an updraft.  Didn’t you stand up, pound your chest, and thunder “THE FUTURE IS NOW,” after Dom Brown and Mayberry hit back to back right dingers, right before we lost by eight runs?

Martinez, when mentioned at all, is labeled with that Rule 5 status, which seems to be the key factor in keeping him around.  I’m not sure what they see his key contributions to the club being…

**Looks fearfully back at shattered door.  A haunting breeze blows through, sprinkling several stray splinters of wood about the carpeting.**

…but if the main reason to keep him around is because if they don’t, he’ll disappear, it sounds more like we’re dealing with the cartoon ghost/best friend of the protagonist in a ’90s kids movie.

Will Shane’s presence be valuable enough to warrant getting rid of either of these–I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I WAS JUST SPECULATING

**Charlie Manuel has leaped through the wreckage of the doorway, eyes red with West Virginian fury**

I know, I know!  Of course it will.  His rehab starts have been positive, including last night’s with Reading, in which everyone you’ve heard about in Double-A that can hit home runs hit a home run.

**Charlie Manuel has disappeared again**

I’d advocate for Mayberry, if my vote counted for anything, it doesn’t, so it will just sit here on the internet, being worthless.