You know, when I turn on the television and see four strung-out lunatics offering shrieking commentary on sports topics I don’t care about, I never feel more removed from professional sports. And sort of embarrassed.
Very rarely can sports figures reach out and touch our lives in a tangible way. Yes, yes, all that emotional crap is fine, but I think we can all agree that we’d exchange our feelings for cash money any day of the week, leaving this ungrateful family and unfulfilling life behind us and maybe even BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND.
Louisiana teacher Bring Kingrey got to take these feelings out for a test drive the other day, as he pitched a perfect game in MLB 2K11: The Show and won the much-coveted $1 million prize… and what better vessel to get him to pay day than Roy Halladay?
“It’s like the best day in your life. Not only winning a million dollars but also getting to sit here next to the guy I won the million dollars with.”
That’s right, not only did Brian get to be in control of a computerized version of his hero, but he got to sit next to him in what must have been the most intimidating 30 minutes of his life. Not only did sports reach out and touch him, but he did through the medium that is most associated with being sad and alone: video games! Suck it, patronizing relatives, cool kids in convertibles on their way to their dad’s lake house, and teachers who occasionally joined in with the gang beatings!
As someone who gets controller-at-the-wall angry at The Show on a daily basis, I can assert that pitching a perfect game is impossible. In fact, I don’t want to offend Mr. Kingrey at all, but he’s probably a gutless, cowardly liar because I’ve been stuck in the Pirates farm system for three years of my (virtual) career and its implausible for me to get out of a game without braining somebody out of anger let alone pitch perfect fucking game.
Resentment aside, Brian will be using his money to buy a new refrigerator, which is exactly what a teacher with common sense who called mowing down the Houston Astros 27 times in a row “easy” would do. I’ll bet it will be a real economic fridge with a soundless ice maker and a real smarmy, self-satisfied crisper. YOU ENJOY IT BRIAN. YOU ENJOY YOUR FUCKING APPLIANCE THAT RUNS ON LIES. SOME OF US COULD HAVE REALLY USED THAT MILLION DOLLARS TO BUY A JET SKI OR A PENGUINS-ONLY PETTING ZOO OR SOMETHING THAT’S ACTUALLY COOL.