Local Journalist Nails Chase Utley with Timely Insult

Chase Utley came back last night!  While doing nothing at work but reading article after article on the topic, I stumbled across Mandy Housenick’s post, “Utley… Were You Listening?” from the Allentown Morning Call, and, as usual, she’s the only one to get it right

When Chase Utley stepped into the batter’s box Monday night, the cheers he got were near deafening. And they went on and on and on.

People simply wouldn’t sit down.

Yeah, it was great.  Did you hear when he hit that fly ball?  Right off the bat, the place went nuts for a nanosecond before it was caught.  Just a beautiful moment.

But all Utley did was stand there. No wave of his hand. No tip of his cap.

I… hey.

You’re right.

I’d grown so accustom to Chase Utley’s patented “cartwheel into the batter’s box with sparklers between his toes” routine, you’d think I would have noticed when he didn’t do it for the first time ever.  As one of those athletes who sucks down attention like a drainage ditch, I’d go so far as to say this is evidence that he is entirely dead inside.  If there’s a single thing Chase is known for, its “being Terrell Owens, but at least 10 times more outwardly obnoxious and self-aggrandizing.”

Why? Would it have been so hard to quickly acknowledge the largest crowd ever to attend a regular-season game at Citizens Bank Park.

No!  It wouldn’t have!  What the shit?!

First, he slaps us in the face by not even showing up to work for the past few months, then when we slobber love all over him, he chooses to keep his focus on the game just as he always has. The nerve of this fucking guy.  THE NERVE.

LET’S MARCH TO THE GATES OF CITIZENS BANK PARK AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH HE SUCKS.

Even former players do it, most recently Jayson Werth. Jim Thome’s done it. Pat Burrell’s done it.  Somebody said on Twitter last night Utley doesn’t have to because he doesn’t like to show emotion. Believe me, neither did Burrell or Werth.

Yeah, I get the hint–let’s make Chase Utley a former player, too.  Who needs his kind of toxic attitude polluting Philadelphia.  We’ll pollute it with our own unforgiving attitudes and marginal-at-best-beat-reporting-in-some-cases, thank you very much.

Trade him.  Trade the fuck out of him.

I’d swap him out for the quiet fortitude of Pete Orr any day of the season.  He may not, you know, play very well that often, but at least his attitude was bred in the Great White North, where they know how to treat their fans.  I assume.

I’m not saying Utley had to get down and bow to the fans like the Phanatic did to him before the game.

Well, obviously you aren’t saying that, because you didn’t, you know, say that, but don’t backpedal out of this revolution now that its sizzling.  We’re taking this guy down.  He could help our lineup–maybe–but let’s be honest.  The most important thing right now is whether or not one of the most beloved figures in Phillies history who has never given us any trouble and is, by definition, “awesome,” sticks his hand out at us so that we may, for just one precious moment, feed off the sweet, succulent attention of a pro athlete and feel like people, not like the worthless emotional parasites that we are.

Just a simple wave or a tip of his cap would have sufficed. An acknowledgement of some sort.

YES.  ANYTHING.  PLEASE.  JUST A FEW DRIPS OF TANGY ATTENTION-NECTAR DOWN OUR THROATS WILL SUFFICE FOR WEEKS.  PLEASE CHASE.  JUST GIVE US A HEAD NOD OR A WINK OR A SILENT FART IN OUR DIRECTION.  WE’LL EAT IT UP LIKE A PACK OF STARVED, FERAL DOGS.  WHO EAT FARTS.

A little appreciation goes a long way.

And yet, here we are.  Without any appreciation.  And what happened?  The Phillies scored more runs than they have in the past seven games and Chase Utley will play again tonight.

But what use is that to us, personally?  Why NOT expect an uncharacteristic gesture from a local legend?

Chase Utley sucks.  As a person, I mean.