NL East Infection: Harsh Reactions to the Success of Greg Dobbs
By Justin Klugh
When Luis Castillo is writing his memoirs, he may leave out most of this year. The best news for him so far has been that he is not being sued for breaking a guy’s jaw with his bat. Anymore.
Now hold on there, before you start thinking old Luis got away with something. This wasn’t Roger McDowell-style bat-on-person violence; it was Luis Castillo-style, which obviously means it was conducted with the grossest of incompetence.
Luis took one of his legendary mighty swings at a pitch, only to fracture his bat and send a chunk of it soaring into the stands, where it connected with the jaw of one James Falzon. Naturally, Mr. Falzon chose to sue the Mets for not protecting him from this hideous accident, as well as Luis Castillo for plotting and going through with it, and Mets catcher Ramon Castro for lending the bat to Luis in the first place.
If inspecting a bat for weakness was actually something people did before coming to the plate, I would not be surprised to hear that Luis Castillo never does it. But I think we can let Luis slide on this one because
Atlanta Braves
All right kids, go ahead and put your pencils down. Today we’re taking a quick break from the outdated social studies books with the “Soviet Union” chapter still in them. So let’s pretend we’re all being compensated fairly for our efforts and we’re not grossly behind in our lesson plans because today we’re having a guest speaker!
Oh, sure, groan all you want. But its not even an economist with a fading memory or that counselor collecting your DARE pledges. Today, our guest speakers are… some Atlanta Braves!
Ha ha, yeah. I thought you’d like that. What’s that? No, its not Chipper. Hmm? No. Kobe Bryant doesn’t play for the Braves. Actually, these guys are from another era of Braves baseball.
Did you know that once upon a time, the Braves won the NL East division 14 years in a row? It’s true! Yes, they even won the World Series once. It was an age of NERF bow and arrows and Nick Arcade, a time when–
…
What? No.
It’s Otis Nixon. Otis Nixon is coming to speak.
…he’s only #16 on the all-time steals list!
Moments like right now are why my parents thought my teaching degree was “a sick joke.”
Florida Marlins
“How dare Greg Dobbs hit .359 with the Marlins,” I said last night to no one. “How dare he.”
My southern belle-esque taken aback-ness would have stopped there, for once, had it not been for Dobbs’ little claim that his numbers are indicative of how he “…just needed more playing time.”
We all saw you last year, Greg. We all know this offensive output is nothing short of a crime against physics. Don’t climb on top of your sexy high numbers and shout passive aggressive barbs at us from South Florida. Just quiet down, let all those naysayers with all their “ITS ONLY MAY” protest signs seep into your subconcious, and fall Greg Dobbs. Sink back down into the toxic sludge of a sub-.200 hitter; comically inept at first, and then, as the days fall off the calendar, becoming increasingly furious and confused at your own incompetence.
“Why? WHY?!” you’ll ask as the Marlins bench coach tells you the Edwin Rodriguez is waiting to speak to you in his office.
“You know why,” he’ll growl, before grabbing a bat out of your locker and snapping it over his knee. “You won’t be needing this anymore.”
Washington Nationals
Jayson Werth, however, is playing the way an ex-Phil should: Poorly, and in a way that makes him regret leaving us. But remember that J-Dub is merely a [bigger] part to a long term plan; one that, terrifiyingly enough, has already begun.
- Step 1: Bring good players to Washington via signings and draft picks.
- Step 2: Remain patient while they underperform/get injured and the rest of the league division breathes a sigh of relief as the Nats once more tumble out of the standings.
- Step 3: With every humiliating loss, suckle whatever sweet drips of knowledge and experience are left.
- Step 4: Slowly amass a war room of unfathomably complex strategies to defeat enemies.
- Step 5: This will, obviously, lead to a dog on a skateboard for all to enjoy.
- Step 6: KILL