You’d think, now that we’re playing teams for the second time, that we’d be out of questions for the Marlins. Well that’s where you’re wrong, asshole. When it comes to the Marlins, I’ve got nothing but questions. Because I don’t pay attention to anything, ever.
1. If the Marlins are so good, why don’t they just hit five home runs in every game?
Because Hanley Ramirez doesn’t try hard enough to do that.
2. So, what has changed since the last time we did this, other than the Marlins bullpen unraveling like a sweater on a nail?
Outside of the struggles of the Marlins pen, we’ve lost a few players to injury. The Marlins aren’t starting Donnie Murphy at third base anymore, instead choosing other dead weight like Greg Dobbs and Wes Helms to man the hot corner. Similarly, an injury to Logan Morrison has led to the use of Emilio Bonifacio (aka Bonerface) in left field on a semi-permanent basis, which makes 15 of the 17 Marlins fans mad.
3. I’m hearing good things about this Josh Johnson character. Apparently he was kicking ass, but his last start proved he is naught but human. Here in Philly, we’ve learned that the best way to deal with news stories involving prolific pitchers is “heinous overreaction.” Taking that into consideration, has Josh’s family been informed of his death?
Heard this: Josh Johnson was named as a starter in the upcoming series, much to the surprise of no one in the South Florida media. Some of that is because we’re not as alarmist as the Philly media, some of it is because everyone’s paying attention to the Miami Heat.
4. If I hadn’t jinxed Anibal Sanchez’s no-hit bid just now by turning on the game, how would anyone have known he’d thrown a no-hitter? This is a “Nobody Goes to Marlins Games” joke. I hope that’s getting across.
It got across just fine, thanks.
5. So why were John Buck and Logan Morrison wandering around a Patriot missile silo again?
Isn’t it obvious? They killed Osama, and China’s next on the hit list. Logan Morrison can do anything.
6. How much did you bid for Logan Morrison’s cast?
I bid $3, because that’s how much a dirty cast from a player Philly fans love would be worth to me. But seriously, it’s a great cause, and I know somewhere some over-obsessed Phillies fan made a huge bid for reasons charitable or otherwise.