Phillies to Host Anti-Car Theft Device Installment in Shifty Parking Lot

Actually, I’ve never owned a car.  That’s partially because when I could be out making that money I’ve heard so much about, I’m here, in this chair, coming up with consistently hilarious headlines.  Isn’t that right, quirky, purposefully misleading phrasing at the top of the page?  Look at you.  So funny and readable.  Way to go.

If I did have a car, I’d want it to remain as not stolen as humanly possible.  Unfortunately, in Philadelphia, the possibilities of humans can be pretty grotesque.  Therefore, the precautions like the one the Phillies will be offering on May 15 are despicably necessary.

The flyer for the event, which I was handed to me by a wordless man in a wife beater, was a bit suspicious.


Upon first glance, the eeriness of the parking lot may look like its where zombies come from.  In truth, it is where the Phillies and the Philadelphia Alliance for the Continued Ownership of Personal Belongings have joined together to teach citizens a valuable lesson about keeping their vehicle safe and secure.

After your arrival in P Lot, just follow these simple steps in order to greatly improve the chances of your car not being stolen!

1.  Pull into the lot and leave your car unlocked and unattended.

2.  Leave.

3.  If you car requires a code of some kind, write it down and tape it to the driver’s side window, or anywhere on the car is fine.

4.  After the game, if your car seems to have disappeared, do not call the police.  The installation is merely taking a little longer than we predicted.  Sorry.

5.  If the sun has risen and your car has still not been returned, again this is no reason to panic.  We’re just installing extra safety.

6.  Should you spot what appears to be your car being driven around Philadelphia by a sleazey-looking man with terrifically offensive neck tattoos and a vicious dog barking from the back seat, rest assured, you are just confused and delirious from irrationally assuming your car has been stolen.

7.  Inevitably, you’ll probably go to the police and they’ll tell you some far fetched story about being “tricked” by a “ring of car thieves” who’ve been “doing this since 1995.”  This is a lie, and the police merely want your sweet, sweet tax dollars to pay for all that corruption you read about in the papers.

8.  We’ll be doing this all season, so be sure to bring your new car down here and get it protected with our revolutionary anti-theft device ASAP!

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