NL East Infection: The Violent Death of Stanley the Toolbox
By Justin Klugh
R.A. Dickey may have given up on the season, but unfortunately, the Mets still have to play the rest of their games.
And yet, huzzah! They shall do so with the aid of a newly-healed Jason Bay and a young Jason Pridie, who has checked himself just after Angel Pagan wrecked himself. Pridie took to apprenticing the elder Bay almost immediately, as just before his first start, he listened intently while Bay told him to “never give up” on a ball hit to the outfield in Citi Field, marking the first time someone has said “Never give up” while wearing a Mets uniform in the past several years.
The information proved useless that night but Pridie did hit a home run so I guess you know whatever.
The terrible Mets bullpen and its 4.11 collective ERA recently did this to a toolbox named Stanley (Courtesy of the NY Times Bats Blog):
"Wilpon gave his order to Dan Warthen, the pitching coach. So, on Thursday afternoon, Warthen asked every player and coach to donate an article of clothing or piece of equipment to place inside Stanley as a sacrifice. Most obliged, and then, as in a scene out of a movie, Stanley was taken into a back room before the game and ceremonially obliterated with bats."
It is a new age for the New York Mets: Prove your effectiveness, or be destroyed.
Mike Pelfrey spent the evening sobbing into a blanket.
Washington Nationals
Bryce Harper, seen here closing his eyes and imagining a life not as a douche, recently did his part in a 17-1 slaughter of the Hickory Crawdads, a team that sounds like its made up of kind older gentlemen who go antiquing every other weekend.
He’s now hitting .306 with 14 RBI and three home runs through 15 games with the Single-A Hagerstown Suns, meaning that based on the hype surrounding his future, he is a complete and utter bust. By now he should he doing nothing short of cracking baseballs into the sun and beating the throw to first 100% of the times he puts the ball in play while dragging a flaming cement mixer tethered to his waist behind him.
And according to his manager, who used to play with Chipper Jones, Bryce Harper is a lot like Chipper Jones.
Yes, the future of the Nationals’ outfield looks increasing bright. The past, however, is shrouded in an ever darkening maelstrom of shame. First, Nyjer Morgan used to play out there. So that sucks. But now Elijah Dukes decided not to let things like “a suspended driver’s license” stop him from getting behind the wheel of a car. And what do you know, you can add that to the list of things he’ll I guess be using as motivations for his rap album (Current tracks include “I’ve Learned You Shouldn’t Attack a Woman (Especially if She is Pregnant and the Baby is Yours),” and “Who Needs Child Support Anyways (Besides the Children, I Mean).”
Atlanta Braves
That legendary Atlanta Braves rotation is doing more than just sitting around, being compared to the current Phillies rotation, and playing MLBPA Baseball for SNES while sobbing. One of them is being stalked by a woman with a something hidden in her purse for him. And she’s going to give it to him at a golf tournament.
Its a baseball!!! She wants him to sign it. Also the guy in question is John Smoltz, who will be attending an outing in azalea-infested Valdosta, Georgia. There, he will be greeted by Carmen Wilkinson, who has a wall of signed Braves baseballs, including one from Smoltz himself that she bought off the internet.
“Wanting this personal touch makes sense,” the writer of that article I linked to reports. Thanks for making sure we know what makes sense in this crazy world, Dean Poling.
Tom Glavine is doing some stalking of his own–of the Atlanta Thrashers–claiming he wants to be part-owner. But so far he has only provided the answers of a father being asked by his bratty kids if they can stop for ice cream.
"“No promises. We’ll see what happens.”–Tom Glavine"
And, because the last few weeks have taught us the Braves have their own ice cream and tequila, here are some of their personalized wines: Tom Glavine’s Galvignon Cabarnet, Brian McCann’s McCann Merlot, and Chipper Jones’ Chipper Chardonay. Nothing says Braves baseball like sucking down fancy booze with a bucket of chocolate raspberry.
Florida Marlins
Anyone whose been dumped via text message knows, the first thing you want to do is probably just be alone for awhile. And what better place to seek out isolation than Sun Life Stadium? Of course, when the person in question is Charlie Sheen, hundreds of morbidly curious fans will undoubtedly be tracking his every move in hopes of chancing upon the next ludicrously popular hashtag.
The Marlins tried their best to provide the overexposed Sheen with some good old fashioned baseball-in-front-of-no one, and annoyingly came through in a 6-3 win over the Rockies. Of course, Sheen’s been trolling about the country’s ballparks for a while now, so god only knows if he was pleased with the outcome, or aware he was at a baseball game, or silently trapped between dimensions, or whatever. Honestly I didn’t follow this timeless news story enough to make an adequate reference. Whatever he did, he did it at a Marlins game.
Not only are the Fish attracting only the insanest of celebrities to their confines; their reasons for optimism extend into the roster itself! Logan Morrison, last seen charming people’s pants off/infuriating people‘s pants on via Twitter, is possibly going to not be wounded for not much longer!
And the best part is, you’ll be able to commemorate this moment you can’t possibly care about that much by making a bid to purchase his smelly foot cast! Yes, its being auctioned off on eBay. Everybody giggle.