NL East Infection: Joke Machine
By Justin Klugh
New York Mets
In some worlds, a baseball team can face plant off to a 5-13 start, watch helplessly as their ace pitcher tacks more and more days to his injury leave, and be sued for a billion dollars and people will still demand to watch. Sadly for the Mets, we do not live in one of those worlds.
For some reason, and its probably the sucking, Mets’ attendance is down this season by 7.8%. This information is brought to you by the provocatively titled report, “Does Major League Baseball Have an Attendance Problem?” by Darren Rovell of CNBC.
Of course, if you took these numbers to Mets management (Or mismanagement! Right! I AM A JOKE MACHINE TODAY!) and tried to bring the “attendance problem” to their attention, they would probably just wordlessly hand you their own report entitled “We Have So Many Bigger Problems Right Now,” and point to a series of graphs with arrows plummeting downward.
So, like a starving family turning to stare hungrily at the dog, the Mets are prepared to devour several members of their organization. Only instead of the overwhelming sense of guilt that comes with watching a family pet roast over a fire pit, they’ll be rewarded with sweet, sweet cash.
Some moves are still just theories, like Jose Reyes being sent anywhere, and others have already happened, like Justin Turner being called up to play second. Jason Bay–holy shit, Jason Bay still plays baseball! I mean, he hasn’t actually played it yet this season, but when he does, he’ll be doing it as a Met.
So you see, Mets people? There are plenty of reasons to bust into a Mets Front Office meeting, flip those graphs upside down, and assure the world that everything’s going to be okay.
Atlanta Braves
Last week, the Atlanta Braves were awarded with their own brand of tequila. Parents called in to complain about how giving it to their children just made them drunk, so to solve that problem, the Braves now have an official ice cream that includes absolutely no tequila.
If you think the words “White Chocolate Raspberry Fudge” sound good together, then congratulations, you are a traitor, because that is the flavor of “Mayfield Triple Play” ice cream that has a big Braves logo on the front. What are you, too good for the delicious scoops of choco-marshmallow (A revolutionary ingredient that combines “marshmallows” and “whatever choco is”) and swirls of liquified graham cracker of Phillies Graham Slam?
Some of these baseball team-ice creams look and taste like a last minute panic attack from the marketing department.
**Phone rings. Gary, the Head of the Phillies Ice Cream Relations Department, sits up in bed and grabs it.**
Gary: HELLO?!
Guy on phone: Gary! You overslept! We need a differently-flavored ice cream to slap the Phillies’ brand on that everyone will love!
CUT TO:
**Gary, dressed messily and wearing only one untied shoe, tearing through a candy store, grabbing handfuls of whatever he is closest to and cramming them into an ice cream carton while screaming curse words and traumatizing everyone.**
CUT TO:
**Gary, standing in front of a room full of important looking investors in suits**
Gary: And that is why Phillies Graham Slam is an idea we’ve had for ages, and not something I thought of on my way over here while sobbing about the possibility of telling my wife I lost my job.
Investor: I’m not eating this. Let’s just get it in the supermarkets.
**Investors all leave. One of Gary’s co-workers points and winks at him**
Co-worker: You did it again, Gary!
**Gary points and winks back, then eats a celebratory scoop of Phillies Graham Slam and immediately vomits.**
Okay that went on for way too long.
Washington Nationals
What do you do if you’re a team whose just shoved Nyjer Morgan off the train and ridded yourself of a somewhat toxic personality that gets by on his speed and fielding, while his offense simmers and his consistent criticisms slowly rot away a team’s core? Why, sign B.J. Upton, of course.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, Rick Ankiel’s many supporters. The Nats are “happy” with Rick’s work thus far, but nodding and smiling while casually leafing through Upton’s file is not the same thing as “actually being happy.” Maybe they’re nowhere near obtaining him, but it still sends a message to the Ankiel household: You are strictly a rebound.
But who cares? The Sporting News reports that the Washington Nationals have the best rotation in the NL East.
The best.
The best.
Florida Marlins
Sun Life: Oh, hello! My name is Sun Life Stadium. What’s your name?
New Marlins Stadium: **bows head in shame** I… don’t have one.
SL: You don’t have a… well how can that be?! You’re a stadium, aren’t you?
NMS: Of course I am! And I’m aesthetically pleasing! But so far… nobody knows what to call me yet.
SL: **Not really listening** Geeze, that’s terrible. Is there anything I can do to help?
NMS: Can I have your name?
SL: N… no, it doesn’t work like that.
NMS: Oh. Well do you have any extra names?
SL: Actually, I’ve had three.
NMS: Can I have one?
SL: No. Hey, look! Some high schoolers are having their wildest dreams come true on my field! Isn’t it great to be the home facility for an MLB team. Gosh, it’s just…**takes deep, self-satisfied sigh** You know, if I wasn’t the home of the Marlins, I’d probably kill myself.
NMS: Well, I hope somebody names me soon, otherwise the Marlins are going to be playing inside me next year and nobody will know what to call their home stadium.
SL: Yeah, that–wait, what?
**Millions of people flee in terror at the booming voices coming from talking buildings**