Reading Phils’ 2012 All-Star Game to Improve on Sure Disaster of 2011

Just when you thought these new $10 million renovations at the Reading Phillies’ FirstEnergy Stadium couldn’t pay off anymore dividends, the Eastern League goes and blows the roof off the place.  Not literally, of course!  That would probably have ruined the 2012 Eastern League All-Star Classic, which has just been announced as being played in our Double-A affiliates home confines.

Holy shit!  The roof is gone!  This is going to cost so much–oh, right.  There was never one in the first place.

The structural changes include a food court that’s quadrupled in size, a dinosaur petting zoo, a cage full of failed Phillies prospects for fans to boo and spit on, a kid zone called ‘Phunland,’ an underground labyrinth featuring a real, hideously-bred minotaur (who will be wearing the jersey of whomever the team is playing that day), and the Weston Center Winning Smiles Stage, on which high school ensemble bands will be causing parents to feign smiles and check their watches for years to come.*

*Only the first, fourth, and last of those are in the park; the others I assume will be added by next season when the ASG is to be held there.

So you can see why this would get the attention of not only the Baseballtown, USA locals, but the league officials.  “Aside from the crimes against humanity, this place is straight out of my dream diary!” they probably said.

Fortunately, the bar won’t have to be very high, as the 2011 Eastern League All-Star Game is being held in a place once called “Merchantsauto.com Stadium,” which, prior to the New Hampshire Fisher Cats’ home field,  is a name that looks and sounds like it had only been on pop-up ads and reports about a computer virus that were started by particular pop-up ads.

And the signs in the neighborhood haven’t been updated to say “Northeast Delta Dental Stadium,” the park’s current name, so everyone pouring into town for the event will probably get lost and crash their cars (This is especially ridiculous, as the EL ASG was held their in 2008 as well, and they still haven’t updated anything).

Northeast Delta Dental is also built on the grounds of Singer Park, where circuses and carnivals were held for years, so you’ve got the “demented clown ghost” scenario to worry about.

For your convenience, along with their 2011 All-Star Game press release, the league has provided you with a list of current MLB players who used to play in the Eastern League but don’t anymore.