Nights like last night require a certain bit of delusion in order to maintain happiness. Was I happy that the Phillies lost and made Livian Hernandez look like a genius in the process, probably sending him out on the greatest celebratory man-purse shopping binge the world has ever seen? Of course not. I even temporarily reversed everything I said about Jayson Werth yesterday when I realized he was doing, like, good. I’m not going to compliment you if you’re going to play well, Jayson. That doesn’t make any sense.
Fortunately, delusion is a craft that is often supported by art. Was “craft” the right noun to use there? I don’t think it was. However, I will delude myself into assuming it was and move right along. Blogging!
You’re probably wondering where I’m going with all of this, since I bring up my shattered mental state after a Phillies loss every time it happens.
“What sort of dark jokes will you employ this time, Justin?!” you’re asking, in a disinterested monotone, slowly turning the page of your newspaper and wishing for some peace and quiet for once in your damn life.
Well, the answer is: Chase Utley.
(That’s called a “transition,” folks, and only the best of us gunslinging blogfolk know how to use them so don’t even bother).
Obviously, Chase isn’t playing baseball right now; otherwise, we’d have three more wins to be bragging about. Our only exposure to him is when they cut to him mid-game, which is sometimes nice because we’ll be winning and Chase will have that “caged puppy” look on his face; a look he can just nail due to his moonlighting as an advocate for not terminating sad puppies.
But last night, when we were losing, they showed him and he had his arms folded, leaning on a metal bar with the bottom half of his face obscured. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it is safe to assume he was taking large, infuriated bites of that metal bar out of frustration. I checked with my insider Phillies Source on this one.
That leaves us very little to go on when we need a Chase Fix. When Wilson Valdez dives to his right and prevents a base hit from trickling into the outfield, its spectacular and all, but we all know that Chase would have already been positioned correctly, as his objective is to turn every play into a triple play, regardless of the number of outs, baserunners, or people telling him to “…just relax.”
But that’s not going to happen for awhile. Instead, fill the void with $11.99 of plastic.
Chase-shaped plastic, that is! Ha, ha. We’re having some fun today.
McFarlane Toys is releasing this promising Chase toy, which features our boy posed in mid-swing, forever socking dingers on your end tables and bookshelves. Or, in times like these, you can catch yourself gazing at him during a Phillies game, when we don’t get every single one of the runs we need to beat the Nationals.
“Dude. It’s not like we won every game when Chase was playing.”
What? Of course its like that. You’re clearly suffering from what’s known as Chase-mentia. I would prescribe you one of these action figures I’m talking about. The one from a previous collection, where Chase is actually bending on one knee to field a grounder, may hit a little too close to home given the whole “That’s how he’s rehabbing his knee at the moment” situation.
Fork over some hard earned cash to trick your mind into believing Chase’s return is as soon as the box can come in the mail.