Ryan Howard Bachelor Party to Lead to Hilariously Raunchy Circumstances

Does the Phillies season have enough time in their schedule for a raunchy road trip that leads to Ryan Howard and Chase Utley having a serious talk about their friendship and/or life as the sun comes up over the Las Vegas strip?  I certainly hope so, because Ryan just engaged himself to a lady, and it wasn’t just the free Subway for life that brought her to his side.  Commitment is all over the Phillies clubhouse, and if movies have taught us anything, its that marriage must be preceded by a comical journey of self-discovery by a group of best buds.

Because the Phillies refuse to allow us into their professional lives–that’s cool, though, I can respect that–it’s hard to know exactly how this all went down.  Thankfully, plenty of people with access to the team are able to pry with curious inquiries as to the details of the proposal and the couple’s relationship, leading to an undoubtedly secret wedding to which only the Phillies are invited.

I took the liberty of making some assumptions as to what roles each member of Ryan’s Probably Awesome Bachelor Party will adopt:

Responsible Guy Who Spends the Most Time Smiling and Shaking His Head: Ben Francisco

Totally Jazzed Guy Who Keeps Clapping and Talking About Strippers: Shane Victorino

Quiet Guy Who For Some Reason Knows all the Drug Dealers and Kind-Hearted Prostitutes: Ross Gload

Slick Guy Who’s Catch Phrase is on the Movie Poster: Jimmy Rollins

Made Up Excuse to Stay Home and Have Dinner with Family: Placido Polanco

Keeps Being Really Serious About the Champagne Room: Ryan Madson

Got Really Excited But Then Fell Asleep in the Limo: Brad Lidge

Is Most Enthused About the Potential for Unlimited Ice Cream: Carlos Ruiz

Keeps Calling Charlie to Check In: Kyle Kendrick

Opted to Track and Kill Coyotes in the Desert Outside the City Instead: Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Joe Blanton, Roy Oswalt

Brought All of His Comcast Commercial Money; Spends it All On One Round of Craps: Cole Hamels

Stops Going to the Bathroom for Fear of Getting Left Behind Again:  David Herndon

Suspected of Being Highly Skilled Card-Counting Team by Casino Security: Jose Contreras, Danys Baez

Just Happy to Be Here:  Antonio Bastardo, Michael Martinez

Arguing with Employees Every Time They Turn Around: J.C. Romero

Is Beginning to Think He Was Invited Just So They Could Park the Limo in Handicap Spots:  Chase Utley

Surprisingly Awesome at Every Card Game; Casino Manager Keeps Asking if There’s Anything He Can Get Him:  Brian Schneider

Pretty Agile Dancer:  Wilson Valdez

Stares Out Windows and Keeps Saying “Wow They Don’t Have This in Canada”:  Pete Orr

Guy Subtly Steering the Party in Each Necessary Direction to Avoid Trouble and Have Optimal Amount of Fun:  Raul Ibanez

Won’t Stop Smiling:  John Mayberry