NL East Infection: We Got Jokes
By Justin Klugh
If there’s one thing the Marlins have taught us, it is that “money is nice.” Not having it, but certainly wanting it and trying every unglorified/possibly illegal measure of getting it. Now that they’ve got this stadium-building out of the way, thanks to the not-quite-necessary-but-certainly-appreciated funds from the public, they can get to slapping a sponsor’s label on everything from the left field entrance to the handicapped restrooms.
"“…the team is looking to sell naming rights for all four entrances to the stadium. The team may try to ink a deal for the entire complex as well.”"
Depending on who you ask, this is terrible and/or spectacular news for the team still trying to prove to Florida that baseball is totally worth it.
New York Mets
Well, you can’t really come at the Mets right now because they have an identical record as us; and you especially can’t do it after they shellack Cole Hamels for six runs in an inning and have their starting pitcher get on base three times, twice with base hits.
But, since I can’t really find any stories about the Mets that offer “hope” or “baseball,” there really isn’t a choice.
So!
Who wants to go to a Mets game!
Nobody. Nobody wants to go. Even though you can find tickets…
"“On StubHub!, Saturday tickets are available for $9 and Monday tickets can be had for as little as $5.”"
… in the single digits wow. I didn’t think that happened outside of Baltimore.
Wait, I can’t even make that joke because the Orioles are tearing through their schedule. God. NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.
In less debilitating news, emotionally, R.A. Dickey plans to knuckle his way up Mt. Kilimanjaro next January. He claims it was an idea he had years ago that only recently “popped” back into his head and now won’t leave until he satisfies his ravenous appetite for danger that playing on the Mets doesn’t provide. The real question is, who knocked out R.A. Dickey and stole his memories?
Washington Nationals
Ian Desmond may have been dropped in the batting order, but a more significant increase is what everybody should be really excited about in Washington: spring training attendance numbers!
No, wait, don’t leave. You can get excited about that. Right? Spring Training! Numbers! Put those two things together and you’ve powered on the Fun Machine and broken off the switch.
Look, the point is, people proved they want to come to regular season Nationals games by going to irregular season games; moreso than ever. For a team attempting to be on the rise, that’s great news for the front office that people are still paying attention enough to notice they are trying to improve.
And notice Washingtonians did notice, pretty recently, too. Much like the Ironpigs-R-Phils contest set up in our own farm system, the minor league Hagerstown Suns and Harrisburg Senators were about to square off when suddenly the weather decided to not let it happen. With the game canceled, Nats fans piled up along a fence to watch Bryce Harper dance around or whatever he does during a workout. And boy, did they have plenty to say.
"“He’s got the coolest spikes of anyone out there.”“Wow, his swing is so free and easy.”"
BRYCE BRYCE BRYCE
Atlanta Braves
You know what this Braves season needs? Jokes. Enough of this “Seriously, the Braves will win the NL East,” or “Seriously, the Braves are better than the Phillies,” or “In all seriousness, the Phillies don’t have the depth to blah blah blah blah.”
So the Braves are obliging those of us who are weary of their talent with a series of comical advertisements starring players. Making jokes.
Here are the cream of the crop:
“Catcher’s Mentality”
Brian McCann suffers from a rare form of early onset dementia in which he doesn’t understand that he is not the “catcher” in every situation, including those off the field.
“Clay Pigeons”
Chipper Jones is such an accurate hitter that he can blow up clay pigeons with fly balls, in what we can only assume is training to do the same thing live birds.
“Everyman”
Martin Prado is good at everything. Ha! Ha! Now that is funny!