It Wouldn’t Be Phillies Baseball Without Pointless Story by Idiot

I thought Jamie Kennedy was stabbed to death in a van, but that’s just because Scream 2 is one of those movies that’s always on TV when I’m falling asleep.  But it turns out, he is, in fact, alive, and not only that, he’s a Phillies fan!  Hooray.

So now, ESPN–the worldwide leader in sports, remember–is going to let him talk  about the Phillies, because apparently they couldn’t find stock footage of a dog running around in a circle to post instead.

I’m not one to cite  guy for not using stats to make an argument, or for just arguing for the sake of arguing.  Maybe I just saw an equal level of hyperbolic nonsense in this column that I try to pretend is solely this blog’s job to produce.  Maybe I spend every waking hour of my life being jealous of the versatile, talented Jamie Kennedy.  But this column read like it was written on an airplane by someone who read about Philadelphia on Wikipedia.

"“The Phils didn’t have much room for improvement after the 2010 season — my boys won a league-leading 97 games, and even though we didn’t get it done in the playoffs, the 2011 campaign was looking pretty good. But then, something happened — something so nasty it could only happen in Yankee Stadium. During the ALCS playoffs, with Cliff Lee facing the Yankees, New York fans spat on the ace pitcher’s wife, and doused her with beer to boot.”"

Yeah, this has all been well documented.  We are all so aware of this story that being told it so after the fact is downright insulting.  Is it supposed to have some sort of new credibility because the guy who makes movies with plots like “white guy raps” and “white guy break dances” is re-telling it?

"“Our rotation is the best in history. Period.”"

People like you are the reason every fanbase hates us.  You don’t even belong writing on the internet, you belong in the comment section writing in all capital letters and making claims you can’t back up with anything but more capital letters.

"“Lee is a playoff dynamo. Roy Halladay is a virtual lock for 20 wins now that Toronto is firmly in his rearview (the Canadian exchange rate has always sucked). Roy Oswalt is bringing country strong to the City of Brotherly Love.”"

What is a “virtual lock”?  How does Roy Oswalt’s birthplace affect his pitching?  These questions and more will go unanswered as we continue reading this thing.

"“And Cole Hamels is a World Series MVP who has added a nasty cutter to go with his stunning smile. (What? Don’t make this awkward.)”"

Jamie Kennedy thinks Cole Hamels has a nice smile! But don’t worry, he’s not effeminate because he referred to how effeminate he sounded!  Whew, that was a close one, Jamie! I almost thought your weren’t the coolest guy ever.

"“Seriously though, you could plug me into that last rotation slot, and we’d still cruise to the playoffs.”"

What if somebody green lights your script about a white guy who moves to Alaska and tries to make it as an Inuit hip hop artist in an upper class suburban Anchorage neighborhood?  Then we’re stuck without a fifth starter.  Gotta think these things through, Jamie.

"“Protecting Captain Big Bat are another pair of blue-collar studs, Chase Utley and Raul Ibanez.”"

Who the hell is Captain Big Bat.  Do we call him that?  That’ so… that’s so stupid.  That’s so purely uninteresting, unclever, and unfunny.  Also, the only blue thing about Chase is his bulbous knee fluids.  And his eyes!  (What?  Don’t make this awkward.  Oh wow!  It is totally funny!  Thank you, overly defensive inner monologue!)

"“Chase is battling knee problems, but give him some Tylenol and a cheesesteak (whiz wit’, baby) and he’ll be good to go by Opening Day.”"

Ha ha!  Jamie Kennedy knows how to order a cheesesteak!  He’s been to Philadelphia!  He’s one of us!  Ha ha ha!  A colloquialism is the same thing as a joke!

P.S.:  I didn’t know “The Disabled List” had a “good to go” section; mainly because those two things don’t make sense together.

"“And Raul may have had a down season in 2010, but he’ll take a cheek full of chaw over human growth hormone every day of the week.”"

Are you making an argument for Raul or making an argument against steroids.  Or are you just pressing the keys because that’s the fastest way to fill up the page.

"“Throw in a full year out of sneaky little J-Roll out at short, the Flyin’ Hawaiian in center, and Placido Polanco at the hot corner, and you’ve got one of the stronger lineups in the National League.”"

Yeah, all we need is a full year of our players playing the positions they play and we’ll be great.  I’d say our number one issue in 2010 was that Shane Victorino kept trying to play third base without anybody noticing.

"“And we’ve got the perfect manager to keep them in check: the old country boy, Charlie Manuel. Despite the fact he sounds like Foghorn Leghorn, Cholly is a true pro — the guy knows when to step in and manage, and when to let the players play.”"

What?!  Now you’re accusing Foghorn Leghorn of being unprofessional?!  How many things must you taint with your words.  And stop laughing just because I said “taint.”

"“The odds he lets the Phillies down are about the same as the chances he joins Howard’s girl in the next issue of Victoria’s Secret.”"

I’d like to see the pie graph used to determine these figures.

"“In Philly, we like our star athletes to come in two breeds: crazy (see Iverson, Allen) and chip on their shoulder (see Vick, Michael).”"

Or, like, a guy who is good at a sport and plays the sport and isn’t a dick.  We can like those people, too.  In fact, we love those people.  Please tell me which one of those categories Mike Sweeney fell under.

"“The 2011 Phils are a nice mishmash of both types.”"

AI + Vick = 2011 Philadelphia Phillies.  That’s so accurate I won’t even ask anyone to agree with it.

"“By now it should be clear we’ve got the personnel to win it all. But what really makes this franchise special is the fans.”"

I don’t understand.  Is there some kind of thing Phillies fans are known for?  ENLIGHTEN US WITH MORE NEW INFORMATION, JAMIE KENNEDY.

"“The Philly phaithful are a special breed. There are the Center City lawyer types, who wear suits by day and red body paint by night.”"

There are a lot of lawyer serial killers in this city.

A lot.

"“Then there are the people you might find encounter on the SEPTA mumbling to themselves and yelling at the driver about John Kruk and Greg Luzinski — consider yours truly a part of this group.”"

Yeah, this never happens.  These people don’t exist.  In fact, I’ll guarantee it that trying to strike up a Phillies-related conversation with somebody on a SEPTA bus who was mumbling to themselves and yelling at the driver (which, by the way, can’t really happen at the same time) is a great way to go home traumatized.

Oh, but Jamie was kind enough to include himself amidst the wacky antics of the crazy bus people, not the suit-wearing upper class elite!  I keep forgetting how ‘one of us’ he is!  Classic!

"“We’re the guys who bring the energy up at Citizens Bank, sending Mets fans running back to Queens with their tails between their legs.”"

I honestly haven’t seen a Mets fan with the balls to start trouble in Citizens Bank Park since 2007.  Which is probably the last time Jamie Kennedy was in Philadelphia.

"“Us true fans subside on Schmitters and unshelled peanuts, and have been known to down multiple beers over the course of a single urination.”"

I DEFY YOU TO NAME ONE OTHER FANBASE WHO EATS LOCAL SPECIALTY SANDWICHES AND PEANUTS, DRINKS BEER, AND FREQUENTLY URINATES AT A BASEBALL GAME.  YOU CAN’T DO IT CAN YOU.  WOOOOOO PHILLY!!!

"“So come October, when Citizens Bank Park is rocking, the blue-collar boppers are raking, and the best foursome since the Beatles is mowing down the opposition, just remember: It all started with a loogie.”"

Cliff, you want to take this one?

"“Comedic actor Jamie Kennedy is a Philadelphia native and is writing an occasional column for ESPN.com.”"

Read: “This ‘celebrity’ who reached minor fame a decade ago is from Philadelphia, which qualifies him to write inane bullshit for ESPN in their endless attempt to clog the entire internet with pointless drivel.”