Say hello to Danys Baez. Or say one of the other things you normally say to him, like “Get this guy out or I will punch my girlfriend’s cat across the room,” and “Great, now I have to buy a tiny coffin.”
Danys gets a raw deal most of the time, on account of his terribleness. After setting a record in 2010 for “most groans induced,” Danys hopes to continue his failures in 2011, as he harbors an inner hatred of the Phillies and Philadelphia and has a secret plan to sabotage all of our plans to success with an abysmal series of implosions.
Actually, he plans to do better, like any baseball player. And, with the fantastical haze of Spring Training still before us, we can think things like “Maybe Danys Baez will be okay in 2011,” and not get laughed out of the Wawa.
Let us turn to the man who already knows which of our pitchers will succeed and which will falter and die this season, for when he pulls the brim of his hat down over his eyes, he is actually traveling through time.
“Danys has to keep the ball down. That’s what we want to see. He’s certainly capable of that.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you from a time when Danys Baez could keep the ball down,” is one of the most credible claims of time travel I’ve ever heard, and that’s coming from a guy who is assaulted by alleged time travelers on a daily basis. I live a near a crack house.
So why are we talking about Danys Baez? Because he is the most recent Phillie to allows us a brief glimpse into his mindset going into the current season? Because it is easy to make him the butt of jokes? Because I had a bunch of “Riche Dubee is a time traveler LOL” material to dump off before I head to the bar at 10:30?
Sorry, I don’t know how those question marks got in there. Yes, those are the reasons.
Danys first attempted a comeback in late February, which went okay, except for the part where he absolutely destroyed. After that, he went invisible, and threw three innings of zero fun times for the opposing team. Then he promised to do better and said how much he loves to play ball in front of Phillies fans. Which, at a time when public opinion has torn us asunder and thrown us violently into a state of tear-stained vulnerability, was just lovely to hear.
Danys is just another one of our players at age 30 or over who is obviously going to turn to ash in a week or two and blow away in a South Florida breeze. So perhaps we can at least follow him on this funereal pursuit of glory, applaud when it is necessary, and know for certain that even if our homes are filled with the harmonious warbles of cats getting punched, Danys is out there, trying his best.
And on the plus side, Hitler should erased from history at any moment.