F*cking dreamcycle.

Ruben Amaro Wishes You'd Just Shut Up About Michael Young Already

It’s not like Ruben Amaro can really turn his nose up at people banging on his door demanding to know what’s the deal with Michael Young filling in for Chase Utley.  Besides, I can only really get three or four good bangs in before security catches up, drags me out, and re-sets my jaw so they can break it again.

Ruben’s made a general managing career by accomplishing the impossible.  He traded a thermos full of dark matter and a talking dragon to assemble this starting rotation, so if he’s got any sort of frustration regarding the constant questions, he’s got to understand that he set the “acquisitions” bar very high, and he set the “secrets and lies” bar even higher.

“I don’t know how many times I can say that publicly — I have no money to play with.”

Ha, ha.  Good one, Ruben.  Since when has “money” stopped you from doing anything?  You made us believe anything was possible, with your ambiguous statements and secret codes.  You created this fantasy world, so don’t act like there is suddenly a set of rules to follow.  Now, let’s hop on my blind fantasy-powered dreamcycle and soar to Playoffs Mountain.

“Our payroll is going to be over $160 million or so, and I’m tapped out, my friend. Maxed out.”

‘Maxed out’?  Does that mean we’re pursuing Justin Maxwell?  Why would we need an outfielder?  No, no, no, this is all wrong.  Chase Utley is the second baseman, Ruben.  That means we need another infielder to replace him if he’s hurt.

Logically, I’d just go with Wilson Valdez.  His bat usually makes that empty, clanking sound, but his field maneuvering and arm are to die for; if you were to stand in front of one of his throws, that is.  Welcome to having a baseball-sized hole in the back of your skull.

But that’s irrelevant now, because the Phillies have a problem, so no matter what Ruben says is the truth, we know it will be solved in the normal way:  by some previously unseen, high profile blockbuster thing happening.  So we’ll wait as long as we have to for the headlines to come.

Tags: Chase Utley Dreamcycle Michael Young Phillies Ruben Amaro

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