Archive for February, 2011

Phillies 2011 Baseball: Well, we tried.

“College”? What in the hell is that? Whatever it is, it’s automatically obsolete in the face of a knuckleballer with a pen.

Oh my god. My toaster is eating my toast. We never left that other dimension did we.

He will be able to hit a home run or strike out in any direction he pleases.

Well… no, not in baseball ability.

But it is only fair that we begin salivating over the products of a mind-meld between two of the greatest second baseman to ever dress in Phillies red. Even if one of them took it off prematurely.

Rather than waste the time of a busy city worker to bulldoze a pile of garbage onto the pitching mound, the Phillies sought out John Maine, who for a while, seemed to be headed here.

Brian pitched in seven games for the Cubs last year, and his ERA may be the age of your child if they’re starting to have more Facebook friends than you.

Mike Schmidt did not appreciate the way Phillies fans were. He didn’t think it was endearing the way they screamed horrific profanity at him during a rain delay, then clapped their hands to the bone after he saved the day with a walk off home run

Keep buying those tickets, so that the Phillies can keep making shocking free agent signings that give you reasons to live throughout the frigid, unforgiving winter seasons.