How to Meet a Lady at Citizens Bank Park
By Justin Klugh
This is where the introduction about this being Valentine’s Day would go, but you know what day it is and what that means.
Citizens Bank Park is where romances are born; between a team and a city; between a recently-engaged couple on the big screen; between a young man, his decision to continuously guzzle Wild Turkey on Dollar Dog Night and a trashcan. It’s a place that brings perfect parts together into a single, heart-shaped whole.
So why can’t it be the place you meet next year’s valentine? Here are some tips on how to finally break the ice with any young lass whose willing to give you the time of day.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: These are god awful.]
1. Love Chase Utley
You already love Chase Utley, but its been made clear that he is the property of Philadelphia ladies. His jersey is sold to most middle aged men because their buying it for their daughters or twentysomething mistresses. He’s an all-star, World Series champion, a member of the NL East All-Division Team, dead handsome, and his hobbies are puppies and kittens, with the occasional appearance on regionally popular television shows.
Now, no one is saying no dudes like Chase Utley or that its girly for dudes to have an Utley jersey or that girls only like Utley. You may think thats what I meant because of it being what I said. But it’s not true. I’m just saying, if you are a man, and you like Chase Utley the best, you probably have that in common with many women.
So who is your favorite player?
“Carlos Ruiz.”
*Slap*
“C… Cliff Lee?”
*Triple slap*
“Utley. Chase Utley.”
You are ready for phase two.
2. Bring Money
Do you have some? I can’t loan you any.
My intimidating demeanor–the one that allows me to quite easily shift from one slaps to three without a second’s hesitation–may indicate a high financial standing of some kind, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. If you want to impress someone by buying them a drink, you will need money. James Bond, Neil Patrick Harris, and any sitcom ever made has taught us that if there’s one thing we hot young folk like to do, its buy each other alcohol; and I can’t think of any other more reliable social consciences, so bring your briefcase stuffed with hundos.
3. Offer Your Body as a Protective Shield
If you do manage to secure/steal some higher class tickets, you could be sitting in the path of some screaming line drives into the stands. Now, the odds of you actually catching a foul ball are pretty slim–too slim to rely on this as an inevitability. So the best strategy [EDITOR’S NOTE: Define “best.” Also define “strategy.”] is to skulk around the staircases and wait for a ball to be fouled off.
Then, assuming you have the speed and agility like me, race down the stairs and hurl yourself in front of the nearest female victim. If she maintains consciousness, explain that you’re a hero, then ask for her hand. Works every time. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Define “works.”] [AUTHOR’S NOTE: No.]
4. Attempt to Remain Appealing in HD
Sure, you’ve got your natural charm. But Citizens Bank Park is home to one of the biggest and most intimidating pieces of video machinery in the known universe. The new big screen they just installed with full HD quality imaging is going to be illustrating not just clips from Rocky movies and montages of the players and coaches answering ridiculous questions. That’s where you’ll be if you want to get on camera.
Keep in mind that you’re already attending an event with up to 50 live professional athletes, so your hopes should probably be somewhat restrained to begin with. But if it’s your mug that’s playing a set of phantom bongo drums or coming from nowhere to take the brunt of a foul ball, you might want to take the extra few seconds and deal with that ample nose hair. Because it’s coming through loud and clear on crystal clear, $10 million High-Def.
5. Seduce the Phanatic
Unlike a foul ball to the chest or an extra glance at your face, this one may actually be something you already fantasize of doing. My dream journal is brimming with entries on doing everything with the Phanatic from storming Normandy to playing beach volleyball with the head of Mr. Met. Dancing would be child’s play.
And sure, it may lose you that sense of “mysterious bad-ass” that you’ve deluded yourself into think you have, but it also gets you plenty of attention. When is the Phanatic not dancing? It’s basically his principal method of transportation. To join him in the act skyrockets your likability, unless you’re some kind of human person who doesn’t know how to dance with a seven-foot puppet. In which case this may be a good time for some deep self-reflection about what you’ve done with your life.