Divisional Recourse: Cold Turkey

The Phillies haven’t chosen the best words to describe themselves lately, so let’s put an inherently negative spin on news from all over the NL East.  Why?  Because its Tuesday, the most cripplingly depressing day of the week.  Unless you’re unemployed!  Then every day is cripplingly depressing.


There aren’t any African-American owners in baseball, but if one man is going to change all that, it’s only appropriate that it be Martin Luther King, Jr. The III.  Why would this happen?  I just said, there aren’t any African-American owners.  MLK III wants to change that.  And that’s it, that’s the only reason, apparently.

Here’s another positive change for the Mets in ’11:  Jason Bay’s delicate promise.  You would be blown away at just how badly seasonal statistics suffer when you concuss yourself in late July.  Well, Jason Bay wouldn’t, because in a huge coincidence, that thing I just said is exactly what happened to him this past year.  Currently a part of the Mets 2011 strategy, “OPERATION:  You’ll see, YOU’LL ALL SEE!” Jason is proving his condition and play by getting bossed around by his 4-year-old daughter.

In all likelihood, he’ll bounce back and hit us pretty hard a time or two.  But not as hard as the All-Star Game will hit Citi Field in three years!

Wow, that transition sucked.  Also I already talked about this story earlier in the week and milked the jokes right out of it until its utters were raw.  So let’s move along.

Florida Marlins

The Marlins signed Greg Dobbs!

I already discussed Greg Dobbs, and then swore to never speak of him again, but since I’ve already ruined that, here’s a follow up from Michael Jong at Marlin Maniac.

“Dobbs is a baseball player who can play better baseball than me but is otherwise non-exciting!”

And that settles that.

Like Jason Bay, Hanley Ramirez has sworn he has seen the light and everyone can go ahead and assume he will light it up in 2011.  The way Andre Dawson describes it, Hanley is the cock of the walk when he’s producing (or “hot dog” as Dawson mistakenly describes it), but when a slump hits him, he gets all “puppy dog eyes” and is finally willing to listen.   So the difference is that this year, Hanley will only be the cock of the walk, yet always be willing to listen.  Which happens all the time.

But why the hell does it matter anyway, when you play in a stadium where Bono can kick the doors in and make you leave any time he wants.

Atlanta Braves

Chipper’s getting an off season gift: a fresh knee.  But that’s not stopping him from looking great swinging that bat.

With the face of the franchise focusing on his knee, its time for some new face to step in and shove itself into focus.  Is it Jason Heyward, the monster with the charming smile?  Is it Fredi Gonzalez, the opposite?  No!  No.   It’s Dan Uggla, of course, but mainly because his face is thick enough to take up all the space.

That was mean.  But if you think that’s mean, don’t read any of the articles that assume Uggla will have all the defensive skills of a walrus falling off the back of a truck by the end of his contract.  Not that anybody’s worried.  In fact, just jump on that Braves Caravan and ride it all the way into the spring.

Washington Nationals

When the spotlight is on a player, it can take them from the depths of obscurity into the penetrating glare of public exposure.  This pressure can drive them into a state of self-destruction so spiraling, so irreversible, they lose everything.  And that is where Stephen Strasburg finds himself now: the in the grips of a visceral chemical addiction.

His poison?  Chewing tobacco.  His decision to quit?  Immediate.  And we can thank the gods they caught it in time.

But it’s not all descents into darkness for the Nationals.  They moved up three spots in Keith Law’s minor league rankings, from 23rd to 19th.  Everyone says the top 20 is the hardest threshold to crack, anyway.  Perfect timing, too; they’re going to need some ripe, strong prospects in the room to hold Strasburg down when he starts hallucinating in the midst of quitting cold turkey.

Tags: All-Star Game Bono Braves Chew Chipper Jones Dan Uggla Fish Greg Dobbs Hanley Ramirez Jason Bay Marlins Mets Nationals Phillies Stephen Strasburg U2

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