How Will Anyone Know You’re a Phillies Fan if You’re Not in the Club

Are you a Phillies fan?  Prove it.  Do something terrible.

Wait, wait, wait.  I forgot.  Before you hurl that whaling harpoon at the right fielder, you can just just show me your Official Fightin’ Phils Fan Club Membership Card.  It’s so much easier.

It has to be easier than smuggling that harpoon in here down your pants.

As kids, parents work hard to convince us that the most important thing is to be true to ourselves.  But obviously, we chuck those lessons into a flaming barrel the first chance we have to join the cool group.

Being a Phillies fan always feels like being in the cool group (EDITOR’S NOTE: It often doesn’t, though), yet now, they have actually created a cool group for you to assimilate with, rather than just assume you are apart of.  There’s a decal and a hat involved and everything, so try to control your breathing, wipe the waffle chunks off the keyboard you just spit out in shock, and consider this.

Yes, why have the chance to tell people you’re a card-carrying member of the Philadelphia Phillies fanbase?  All the important things in life require you to have their affiliating card in your wallet or purse anyway; the library, your medical insurance provider, public transit–you’ve even still got that old college ID that grants you access to the school library so you can scam on chicks use the internet there for important, academic pursuits.

But the truth is, there’s more to this club than another card taking up residence amongst your belongings. The Fightin’ Phils Club grants you access to the official message board, where your opinion can be contested by a variety of folks with Phillies-themed and overly capitalized user names.

For instance, how many times have you clicked on the “LISTEN NOW!!” button on MLB.com, only to once more be futilely dropped in front of a screen that demands money  so you can listen to the Phils on the internet.  If you’re like me, an endless number of times that are far too humiliating to count.  This club removes the barrier between you and that experience, and all its costs if 25 of your dollars.

How many clubs, among their many perks allow, you the chance to join another club? It’s like unlocking a door to find a room full of keys for other, awesomer doors.