...while a strobe light goes off in the background and the words "WORK OUT" appear on screen.

Kyle Kendrick Not Amused by Phillies’ Hilariously Slow-Pace Pursuit


Like a snail crashing into a wall, the Phillies re-signed Kyle Kendrick today.As the last piece of the puzzle, or spare piece from the puzzle, or a piece from a different puzzle, Kyle Kendrick had some phone calls to wait for this off season.  Ben Francisco’s calls had come.  Everyone else’s winter was going as sexily as possible.  But Kyle stayed by the phone, because not everybody gets what they want for Christmas.  Or New Year’s.  Or winter.

Today, that phone call came.  Nobody wanted to get their hands dirty in arbitration, so the Phillies solved their issue with Kyle in the same way they can clearly solve anything:  millions of dollars.  In the end, Kyle was walking away with $2.45 million with a promise that the first three digits meet his ERA and another year of employment.  This jolts the the payroll up to $164.83 million, which is so much money I can even imagine it without seeing it falling from the sky.

Like Benny Fresh’s deal, Kyle’s comes with a smattering of bonuses to offer constant stimulation of any competitive instinct.  They have given him “Roy Halladay’s Workout Tape!” to train with, but it is just 92 hours of startling, intense glares from Doc.

[Holy KK!  Its the Phillies!]

Nah, Kyle’s great.  He did this once.  In conclusion, I would have been shocked if Kyle didn’t start at least one game for the Phillies in 2011, but I’m not high-fiving my neighbors over it.  But with Ruben Amaro clutching Joe Blanton so close to his chest, Kyle’s odds of becoming a Chad Durbin-y long reliever have gained altitude.