The Phillies want money for their charities, and they are turning to their 3000 fastest fans to do so.
If there is anything that provokes me into handing over my “money” (That’s in quotation marks because most businesses do not accept the small pieces of paper with pictures of stick figures labeled as presidents on them that I walk around with), its physical exertion. Assuming the rest of the Phillies fanbase is as financially tickled by exercising as well, then there should be no problem.
The race, hopefully to not include Rat Race or It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World-style antics between participants, will start at Citizens Bank Park, extend around FDR Park, and then return to the stadium so anyone who needs to can puke their guts out.
The winners from either gender will be honored at a Phillies game. You are going to be so honored that they’ll let you on the field after a Pirates game. Or before. When no one’s really there. But the winners will be relishing their in their glory in front of whoever’s there. Yet, this is charity, so everyone’s a winner!
Except for those of you not donating money.
Shame on you (us).
READ THIS BECAUSE IT FEATURES ME.