Every time another Dan Uggla headline sets the nation on fire, I hearken back to those days of my Roommate and I laughing ourselves hoarse at his expense. “Chase Utley and Robinson Cano are the best second basemen!” we’d scream, performing an epic high-five. This was always followed by vicious,unforgivable statements and knife fights over which of those two was the ultimate competitor, but I digress.
Dan Uggla was in the headlines again today. And he fought a knife fight against underpayment. The Braves doled out enough cash to grab onto the second-base slugger for a five year extension today, to the tune of $62 million. Dan Uggla hits a lot, and I just realized he’s shaped like a giant LEGO man. He’s the guy who spent part of the past season poking management in the chest while demanding he be allowed to play defense. Then he contributed to he and Gaby Sanchez’s legendary double-Buckner on September 27.
“That’s bullshit!” you’re shouting with a mouth full of dinner. “Not two weeks ago the acquisition of Dan Uggla had the Braves scaring you shitless!”
Yes, but now I’m used to the idea, so the waters cooled down a bit. Plus, his average against the Phillies’ starting rotation is remarkably low, except for Roy Halladay, against whom he slaps a .368 BA. Everyone else–even Joe Blanton–is under .200, also we’ve picked up Cliff Lee since I was panicking. Also, shut up; what the hell is your problem?
The deal had become quite syrupy in recent days, grudgingly slopping down a hillside toward an eventual destination, but Uggla really wanted to squeeze out all the blood the Braves could spare, and he got it. Hooray for the Braves.