Archive for December, 2010

Of course, maybe he didn’t fail it per se, but we were at the point in our relationship with Dennys that all that stood in our way was a physical.  If we can just slide this feast of fat jokes off the table for a second, let’s consider something:  Dennys Reyes is a hefty dude.  Maybe he fell off the treadmill.  Maybe Ruben looked away for a second and Dennys had eaten half of his briefcase.

Sure, this time of year is responsible for the majority of your dark thoughts.  Seeing George Bailey and Charlie Brown contemplate suicide on national television never really helps, either.  But hammer that morose Christmas-itude out of your skull.  The Phillies are kicking your door in and wrapping the holidays around your throat. Yes, Cliff Lee is more than you could ever want, but as the Majestic gift shop tells us, why be satisfied with that when there are so many… things to be had!!

“I won’t be ignored, Ruben,” the voice continued, undeterred by his silence. “You’ve killed us all.”

Its pretty ballsy for a guy on the receiving end of a life-making $126 million contract to not be the happiest person in the world.

Please read to find out how the acquisition of Cliff Lee is like unicorns having sex.

I’m a survivalist. I can kill most animals with my teeth for food.

The Phillies signed Cliff Lee for $100 million over five years last night, while I was yelling incoherently at the Pacific Ocean and utilizing the phrase “shit my brain,” as in, “I just shit my brain because of what’s happening.”

Described by Jon Heyman s “always a threat,” the Phillies sound more like a dormant terrorist organization during these proceedings.

What? Why yes, I am slowly and methodically loading a pistol chamber by chamber as I type this.

Frank could finally cross the last thing off his to-do list and spend the rest of the winter burying his memories of the 1999 Orioles under a thick layer of scotch and self-satisfaction.