Charlie, Ruben Forced to Talk to People from New Jersey
By Justin Klugh
The new year will bring a stop in Single-A Lakewood for Ruben Amaro and Charlie Manuel, to face what will assuredly be a furious crowd demanding answers for yet another hideously subpar Philadelphia Phillies season; because in the state of New Jersey, it is still 1999.
Our GM and manager will be forced to sit down and face a crowd of intelligent, thoughtful queries, such as “DESI RELAFORD SUCKS,” and “How could we be having this meeting at the BlueClaws facility when they didn’t even exist until 2001?!”
You can be a part of this angry, confused mob for just $40.
Shit, the BlueClaws have won the South Atlantic League twice in a row. And their charities give tons of money to nonprofits. You’d think Jersey would be, you know. Better. I haven’t actually been there in a long time, so these are all baseless jokes born from stereotypes.
BlueClaws GM Geoff Brown calls the visit “a real treat,” clearly indicating that life in the bowels of New Jersey is some sort of fake treat; maybe one that you would give to an evil dog that turns to ash in their mouth.
Did you know the BlueClaws used to be called the Cape Fear Crocs? The only way that could have been anymore awesome is they changed it to “Murderers.” Robert De Niro could be the mascot, and brutalize misbehaving fans on the field between innings.