This Cliff Lee Deal is Pretty Neat, by Joe Blanton

Hey, that’s great.  Congratulations, guys.

Wow!  So nice to have four aces on one pitching staff.  And to have that fifth spot there!  I mean, whoever fills that role will be undoubtedly influenced by some of the best pitchers in the game!  Its like finishing a paint-by-numbers sailboat while Michaelangelo is stepping off the ladder in the Sistine Chapel.

Where does all this money come from, is what I’m wondering, though!  There are so many great players on this team, how cant they afford to…to….

**Accidentally catches sight of MLB Fanhouse article on nearby computer screen; reads furiously**

Wha… well that’s…

… but I’m


Anybody gonna bat an eyelid when I peace out?  Any hilarious PhotoShops or memes for ‘ol Joe?  Fuck and no.

What about seeing me in another uniform?  Red Sox?  Brewers?  The Mets?  Anybody want to step up and say it’ll hurt too much?  That they’ll turn away?  That they’ll be overcome with emotion?  That things never would have happened “…if they hadn’t gotten rid of Joe Blanton”?

How many innings of yours did I eat?  10,000?  It felt like it.  Do you know how big of a spike my calorie count took, chewing and swallowing large chunks of baseball games?  My doctor thought I’d been bathing in a deep fryer.  He says there’s no chance I live past 40.  I GOT A FAMILY, MAN.

So, fine.  Go ahead.  Detach the caboose.  Watch me fade into the distance as you party it up like some sort of sexy-party-train (Which is, incidentally, what Jayson Werth rented after the World Series in ’08).

Fine, go ahead.  Suck up part of my $17 mil and ship me off to another part of the less contending country.  I’m a survivalist.  I can kill most animals with my teeth for food.  Just remember, I was good to you.

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Tags: Cliff Lee Joew Blanton Off Season Phillies

  • Phills_Phaithful@UConn

    Joe! Don’t leave! We still love you! Even though your first half stats were atrocious and you came out and put on an awful display of rust-filled pitching in game 4 of the NLCS. We still love you!

    Seriously now though, you could argue Joe Blanton and Matt Stairs were the key puzzle pieces the Phillies needed in 2008 to win their second World Series. That without him and his Joe the Hammer we wouldn’t be where we are. Indeed, if the Phillies fail to win the World Series in 2008 then who says we have the confidence to win it all that we make another step forward by acquiring Cliff Lee (the first time) and thus make another strong push? Then without back-to-back WS appearances then why on Earth would ROY FREAKIN HALLADAY waive his no-trade to go to a loser? Roy Oswalt the same case? Cliff Lee then goes to who knows where and we are still talking about a team that is headed by Cole Hamels and maybe Brett Myers. We *needed* 2008, and we needed the July 18th deal that brough Joe Blanton in to The Bank. In 2008 he went 4-0 in the regular season, then 2-0 in the playoffs. We won every single one his 3 starts in those same playoffs. That’s a PERFECT 6-0 record when we needed him MOST. Wouldn’t you say that’s worth it? Joe, by NO means, had a bad or even mediocre time pitching for us in his 2.5 seasons. His record will stand as 27-14 in 79 starts for us, with a team going 5-2 in all of his postseason starts. I loved Heavy B and we will miss him… right up until we see Cliff Lee on the mound and we remember it was all worth it. He has got to feel good about leaving here, knowing he had a good time, pitched 2.5 seasons, is gettin 17 more million dollars coming his way AND, most importantly, he got a ring. Good luck, Joe… where ever you go. We still love you!

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