Cliff Lee Not Coming to Phils Because of Obvious Reasons

Cliff Lee is supposed to stop toying with people’s emotions “early this week,” so do you realize he could be deciding right now? As you wrap your brain around these very words, he could be putting a cap on weeks and weeks of headlines, extensions, mystery teams, and fungibles.

What a shame the Phillies have no part in all this fun whatsoever.

Described by Jon Heyman s “always a threat,” the Phillies sound more like a dormant terrorist organization during these proceedings.  But it seems our fantasy world, where Cliff Lee frolics through one of those famous South Philadelphia grass fields, surrounded by singing woodland creatures during his glorious return to the city, is about to face its ends.

Maybe it is a little sad that our biggest off season move was a fake acquisition of Zach Greinke.  But we were never going to trick Cliff into coming back here, no matter how much the notion of doing so had the Mets sobbing themselves to sleep on the toilet (in this scenario the Mets have been kicked out by the wife and are living in a bus station bathroom).

But there could be some glee to drain out of all this madness anyway: Are the Yankees pathetic?

We know what its like to be accused of losing “mojo.”  Being an abstract thing, you can’t really picture it leaving, and therefore, can’t really imagine how to get it back.  Fire Brand of the AL submits the theory that because Derek Jeter’s tear-soaked contractual ordeal went so public, and because the Yankees didn’t just break into Cliff Lee’s house, put a sack over his head, and drive him to the Bronx in an unmarked van like they normally do, they’ve let go of something in their storied past: Being blatant dicks about everything.

I’d love to agree with this, and I probably will, a little bit, because I can be talked into anything that makes the Yankees look bad (“The Yankees are funding a chemical weapons program by experimenting on inner city youth in abandoned subway tunnels?!  Of course!  Thank you for opening my eyes, homeless man selling a communist newsletter!”)  But since Cliff wants to stay in Texas, maybe the Yankees just appear weak because they are losing a battle they were never intended to win.

But, nobody really knows what’s going on in these people’s heads.  We’ve still go that “mystery team” floating around, and its not like this has been an off season where everything has gone according to plan.

This is unrelated, but is the “mystery team” represented by a guy dressed like the Riddler, or at least a guy with a bag over his face with a question mark on it, a la Mr. X?  And then will he reveal himself at a press conference?  I mean, if you’re going to throw around ridiculous terms like “mystery team,” you’ve got to play that shit up.

I’d love it to be a “My god–Bruce Wayne was Batman all along?!” moment.  But chances are, unless they win the proceedings, we’ll never know.  Bummer.