I’m sure by now you’ve made this Phillies blog your home page and seldom stray from it except to bid on the occasional Ryan Howard lawn gnome; and normally, I couldn’t fault you. But today is special, in that Bill Baer of the illustrious Crashburn Alley has for some reason given me permission to write a guest post.
Little does he know, I am actually a cyborg, and this was merely one step further in my Terminator-esque plan to slowly slither and assimilate with all forms of the internet. Phase 2 complete. Only 70 trillion phases to go.
When I was a kid, I was in a hardware store where there were these open barrels of bird seed. I grabbed a handful of them and shoved them in my pocket. Why? Because fuck paying for bird seed, that’s why.
I got home and tossed it all over the driveway, feeling like the Robin Hood of nature; taking from the robustly wealthy employees of the local True Value and giving to the poor, enfeebled crows of suburban Pennsylvania.
The next morning the yard was littered with several dead birds. It didn’t take long to deduce what happened: my evil act had wiped out a decent portion of the local populations. The sheer malice with which that bird seed had been obtained was enough to kill.
My parents wrote it off as some kind of “bird virus,” but only I knew the truth–the only virus here was the virus of theft. By me.
As we get older, we can see that there are so many cooler things to steal than mere bird food. Robert Rosen of Warminster was quick to discover this. And then he was arrested for it. But that didn’t stop him from doing it again; and then again; and then another time. But that last time is the kicker.
Robert was thieving money off corporate credit cards (one of which belonged to a contractor for the Department of Defense)from his position as a desk clerk with the Holiday Inn Express, and using all that sweet, sweet cash money to reward himself with deluxe suites at Phillies and Flyers games.
Is he a common criminal? A true fan? An asshole? Yes.
But who are you to judge him? Is there any man here who could honestly say they would never steal to, say, feed some innocent animals, or watch the Phillies from the upper class seats that we serfs have only ever known through bouts of envy?
All the man truly did was take $3,252, $813 of which went to seats in the Phillies Diamond Club–
“When he is off his medication, he turns to this type of behavior to make him feel better about himself.”
Oh, trust me, Robert, the “off-my-meds” thing only works several dozen times before people catch on. I tried to blame my own crime of passion on a lack of Flintstone vitamins, but “The Great Seed Caper,” as only I would refer to it in the passing years into my pre-teens, would never go away–a truly indestructible blemish on my childhood.
Robert will return to the fevered streets of Warminster, where a man is forced to make his own laws, in one and a half to five years. I think his story teaches us all a valuable lesson: Don’t steal thousands of dollars from a government-affiliated agency built on the concept of “defending things,” because it is illegal, and you will most likely be caught and put inside of a prison.