Things the Phillies Could Do Instead of Keeping Jayson Werth

Saw this headline in the Morning Call today, and I did not even read it.  I’m bored with the glacial pace of the Jayson Werth storyline, so I’ve cooked up a few plans of my own.

Platoon

I think this might be one of the better options.  Call everybody to the clubhouse, which could be hard, since they’re all vacationing in Mexico, but get ‘um there.  Then, dim the lights and without any introduction, start playing Platoon on the big screen.  Everyone will be so mesmerized that they’ll probably adopt personalities from some of the characters and bring that intensity onto the field.

Use the Money Saved by Letting Him Go to Hire a PI who Follows Ken Oberkfell Everywhere

Okay, now just hear me out, because I know you’re thinking this is just going to be the paranoid ramblings of a highly delusional/attractive Phillies blogger, but this totally necessary.  Its clear the dude is up to something.  Now is no time to release our grip on the reality that is his simmering deceit.  Someone’s got to stop him, and making someone have eyes on him at all times, and report back to us if necessary, and maybe break a few appliances in the Norfolk Tides locker room will help prove that I am not crazy.

Acquire Somebody Else

These “free agents” I hear about.  Apparently they’re just… the craigslist ads of pro baseball players.  Why don’t we grab one of these guys? Carlos Quentin and Jermaine Dye seem to be options.  As does that other guy, Josh Willingham.  I can’t believe they haven’t thought to do this yet!  It seems obvious.

Check out That New Planet They Just Found

You know whose shuttle is going to be heading into space after the scientists and astronauts?  The Yankees.  You think they’re not already considering the untapped baseball talent that could exist on other worlds?  Seriously?  Have you even paid attention to this league for the last decade?  We’ll arrive there for the “first” time and a Yankees flag will already be planted in the highest space-mountain.

And then BAM!  Next thing you know, there’s a lizard-man in pinstripes, hurling 370 mph slurve-balls and filling up the parking lot with radiation from his interstellar jet-craft.

Maybe the Phillies ought to do the rational thing and consider how many talented right fielders are already primed for the big leagues on Gliese 581g.

Denial

Thanksgiving is coming, and if the Phillies all get together for the holiday in full dress uniform around a long wooden table as Charlie Manuel cuts the turkey and poses for a photograph like I assume every team does, then they know that part of the tradition of Thanksgiving involves hefty, unrelenting, heartbreaking denial.  Anyone’s secrets they choose to announce after one two many white wine spritzers are completely and totally ignored, so when Jayson and Ruben inevitably engage in a shouting match over dessert because Theo Epstein keeps calling the house in the middle of dinner to wish J-Dub a happy Thanksgiving, everyone else just pretend it isn’t happening and Jayson will be there for Spring Training in Clearwater come 2011.

Trap Him Under Something Heavy

I once had a dog that kept trying to run away (EDITOR’S NOTE: The remainder of this entry has been removed due to raucous complaints from PETA).

Because somebody should write about baseball on this blog, stay tuned for updates later today that make sense.

Topics: Aliens, Free Agency, Jayson Werth, Phillies Offseason, Yankees

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