1. They have a new promotional item: COOLER. BAGS. The new CrossCutter cooler bags have just been unveiled and you are in idiot for not having one immediately.
2. Like, think of all the shit you can carry in there. Sandwiches, beer, soda, bottled water, severed body parts for emergency surgery or some other completely logical reason.
3. Look at it! It looks like it fits anywhere! A car, or a house, or another place you want to keep refreshing beverages!
4. Three of their players broke into Baseball America’s Top 20 list.
5. “Where you do want to go to lunch today, Phil?” “Actually, I brought my delicious sandwich to work today in my totally compact, transportable Williamsport CrossCutter cooler bag, Jim, so it looks like you’ll be overpaying for lunch today by yourself.” “Man, I wish I had one of those.” “Yeah, well, you don’t.”
6. Do you use the fridge in your office’s break room? You’re begging for thieves to victimize you. Purchased a mini fridge for your cubicle? Way to consider the environment, asshole. Strapped your home fridge to the roof of your car and driven to work with it? Your wife is probably calling the cops on you as we speak. The solution to all these daily problems? Cooler bag.
7. Some high school baseball coach is the new CrossCutters manager or something. Also he’s used to play for the Phillies. Also he runs a stationary store in Indiana. Also it’s Mickey Morandini.
8. *sound of cooler bag’s zipper being opened and closed; maniacal laughter*