The Resume of Jamie Moyer
By Justin Klugh
Apparently, it’s a recession, and that is why those of us who are unemployed are having a hard time finding work, not because of being drunk or lazy or having Phillies blogs. But Jamie Moyer may find himself amongst the ranks of the unemployed very soon, and therefore, will be in need of an updated resume. I took the liberty of performing the service for him, since he will probably be too busy having a 76 mph temper tantrum.
NOTE TO JAMIE: I couldn’t find any details regarding your career at Souderton Area High School, so I just threw in some Notorious B.I.G. lyrics I thought were probably accurate. You’re welcome.
JAMIE MOYER
2426 32nd Ave W
Seattle WA, 98199
206-298-1217
www.moyerfoundation.org
EDUCATION
Souderton Area High School, Souderton, PA
A terror since the public school era; Bathroom passes, cutting classes, squeezing asses
Saint Joseph’s University, Philadelphia, PA
One of three original St. Joe’s Baseball Hall of Fame inductees, being drafted by professional baseball team
WORK EXPERIENCE
June 1986-Dec. 1988: Starting Pitcher, Chicago Cubs
Throwing first shut out, ranking 10th in NL in SO, starting against Greg Maddux in his ML debut
Dec. 1989-Nov. 1990: Starting Pitcher, Texas Rangers
Hanging out on disabled list, clawing back into rotation from bullpen, being released almost instantly
Jan. 1991-Oct. 1991: Starting Pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals
Making seven starts, being kicked into minors
Dec. 1992-Dec. 1995: Starting Pitcher, Baltimore Orioles
Getting new career-low ERA, striking, once again clawing out of bullpen into rotation
Jan. 1996-July 1996: Starting Pitcher, Boston Red Sox
Packing bags for Seattle
July 1996-Aug. 2006: Starting Pitcher, Seattle Mariners
Having best W-L% in MLB, getting to post season, injuring self once more, winning 100 games, striking out 1000 people
Aug. 2006-Oct. 2010: Starting Pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies
Being oldest pitcher to record win ever, winning World Series, winning 250 games, ripping several muscles in half, being 8th guy in history to play baseball in four decades
SKILLS AND ACHIEVEMENTS
- Beat Steve Carlton in Major League debut
- Cannot stop
- Journalists love uniquely nostalgic intersecting with Phillies throughout personal history from growing up in area, making Major League debut against them, and winning World Series
- 1998 Seattle Mariners Pitcher of the Year
- 22nd all time in hitting men with baseballs
- Impregnated Digger Phelps’ daughter eight times
- National blank stare champion
- Also, World Series Champion
- Seriously, will not stop, even when begged by close family members
- New York-Penn League All-Star, 1984
- Started foundation to save sick children while being professional athlete
- Given extra doctorate by St. Joe’s just because
- 2003 All-Star
- Even offspring are professional athletes
