Phils Spark Trade Rumors with Nonsensical Aaron Rowand Idea

So when you take Jayson Werth out off a roster–and nobody has yet–but when you do, there’s undoubtedly a black hole left in his spot.  A twisted vacuum erupts, and a seemingly endless blast of suck tears a hole in the atmosphere.  Lawn furniture’s flying around, cats zip by in mid air, howling for their lives; all because our right handed, five-tool power hitter is deleted from the lineup card.

In such chaos, it can be expected that any and all objects could possibly be yanked into the newly formed crevasse.  A platoon is likely, but the components of such a strategy will have an entire winter to be studied and decided.  All we have right now is a long list of names and a swarming blogosphere of theories.  You never know whose name is going to spewed from the underworld as early in the guessing game as we be.

God I hate Jeff Francoeur so much.

The fact that there is even a sliver of a crumb of a chance that the Phillies would attempt to “go after” Jeff Francoeur to play in right (Unless “go after” means “organize a group assault”) is too much.  Way too much.  I feel a little overwhelmed, to be sure.  It feels like watching a plague sweep through your country, all the while assuming the insults you’ve thrown at it for years have served as some sort of protection from the threat.

And now, its on your doorstep; infecting your neighbors; having terrible plate discipline.

This is so terrible I’m not even going to think about it.  I’m going to pretend that everything is normal, Jeff Francoeur plays for some other team and will never be in Philadelphia, and maybe like a bear will punch him in the stomach or something.  I just… I don’t want it.

But as long as we’re yapping about outfielders, why not Aaron Rowand?

Well, for starters, he hit .230 in 105 games after getting hurt this year.  If the Phillies really want to pull off a revenge-heist, they could seal-nap the Giants mascot and hog tie him to a sperm whale headed out to sea.  Making off with Rowand wouldn’t really hurt San Francisco; in fact, we’d be doing them a big ‘ol favor by taking the money-swallowing entity off their record.

But apparently professional baseball organizations don’t have “petty revenge schemes” at the forefront of their priorities for some reason, so we can assume this decision would be based mostly on our need for a low cost outfielder to platoon in right.  Duh.

He’d still probably have some fan favoritism lingering in the outfield corners of the Bank, because he was the ex-Phillie who didn’t try to bait Roy Halladay into a childlike screaming match during the playoffs.  But how likely is his turnaround for the “high reward” portion of the deal?

Not great.  Maybe CBP is a hitter’s park, but Rowand fell off hard enough in 2010 that a potential recovery may not be worth the risk of a Phillies roster spot, even if the Giants were to fork over briefcases full of money.

Thanks but no thanks.  *Punches Lou Seal in the gut*

Venturing outside the world of potential moves, the Phillies actually picked somebody up, rather than just sparking a rumor and letting it float around the columns and blogs until its all stale and crusty.

Carlos Rivero was snagged off waivers from the Indians’ Double-A scrapyard in Akron.  He’s a shortstop.

Jimmy Rollins is like this awesome recliner you brought home, and sat in, and it was great.  In its first year in your house, it was the most comfortable place to sit.  Hell, it would have been the prime piece of furniture in your whole neighborhood that year if it hadn’t been for that “Albert Pujols-love seat” your neighbors picked up.

Then the years go by, and while the chair still functions pretty well and everyone agrees its still a slick piece of merchandise, always starting conversations, it has broken a few times and even though you can’t really picture your house without it, you can’t deny that as the years go by and the warranty reaches its expiration date, things just aren’t as comfortable as they used to be.

Jimmy’s playing for his contractual life in 2011, and to put an exclamation point on that, the Phils snatch this Rivero dude and stick him in the minors.  The shortstops in Lehigh Valley and Reading were, for a while, playing with a significant road block to the majors.  He’s an All-Star, MVP roadblock with a fantastic smile and charming demeanor.

But now Ruben’s popping off on Jimmy’s falling numbers, and this little maneuver may be the icing on Jimmy’s contract-cake.  And on the cake is written “We’re Serious, Jimmy” in chocolate frosting.